Hello. It’s that time of year again. The worst part of your year. Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Here is the place where I play pretend as the G.M. of the Dolphins for no pay and no benefit. Remember?

2017: Only
2018: An
2019: Insane
2020: Person
2021: Reviews
2022: These

You remember. I know you wish you couldn’t. But you must. There is no escape.

A Link to the Past

As is tradition, let’s compare my theoretical draft of last year’s players to what the Dolphins did and see who’s better: the billion dollar franchise or the guy in the Mousecop jersey.

Look, I didn’t know I could just go out and trade for Tyreek Hill. If that’s an option, that’s clearly the move to make. So it might seem like I got crushed here, but we all know who the real winner is.

The Walking Dead

The Fins have a boatload of possibly departing in-house players to make decisions on. Let’s not think too hard about it and just start wingin’ it, eh?

Teddy Bridgewater, QB - Walk
John Lovett, FB - Walk
Raheem Mostert, RB - Resign
Jeff Wilson, RB - Resign
Myles Gaskin, RB - Walk
Salvon Ahmed, RB - Retain
Trent Sherfield, WR - Resign
River Cracraft, WR - Walk
Mike Gesicki, TE - Resign and use properly
Cethan Carter, TE - Walk (Miami has already released Carter)
Adam Shaheen, TE - Walk
Greg Little, T - Walk
Brandon Shell, T - Walk
Geron Christian, T - Walk
Eric Fisher, T - Walk
Michael Deiter, C - Resign
John Jenkins, DT - Resign
Trey Flowers, DE - Walk
Sam Eguavoen, LB - Walk
Andrew Van Ginkel, LB - Walk
Elandon Roberts, LB - Resign
Duke Riley, LB - Walk
Melvin Ingram, LB - Resign
Nik Needham, CB - Resign
Trill Williams, CB - Resign
Justin Bethel, CB - Walk
Eric Rowe, S - Walk
Clayton Fejedelem, S - Walk
Elijah Campbell, S - Resign
Thomas Morestead, P - Resign

Ski Free (Agency?)

Like the game Ski Free, but for Free Agents. Shut up. Go away.

There will be some obvious cuts (like the already designated Post-June-1st cut of Byron Jones), there will be some restructuring of contracts (maybe some Bradley Chubb action [which happened between when I started this article and actually got it done]), and there will be some extensions (like Mr. Wilkins, for example) to help with the cap situation, along with possibly some culling of depth players for the sake of savings (like Keion Crossen to save ~$3million).

Regardless of how they get there, I’m sure Miami will be under the cap and in position to sign whatever free agents they deem necessary. There aren’t a ton of draft picks to work with this go round, so at least some hole fillin’ has to come by way of inexpensive FA signings.

Quarterback

Need: Nothin’

Take that.

If Tua goes down, Thompson gets a real shot. If he shows no improvement, dive into the cesspool of free agents and recent retirees to salvage whatever’s left of the season and wade back into the early-round-draft-pick-for-a-franchise-QB lottery to continue the storied tradition.

Running Back

Need: 1 rotational

Options: FA (Alexander Mattison, Devin Singletary, James Robinson)

Mostert and Wilson played well in Miami’s system. With Mostert’s injury history, I look to get another back who’s on par with the starters to complete an underpaid, overused rotation. Alexander Mattison runs hard and should come cheap.

Wide Receiver

Need: 1 backup

Options: FA (DJ Chark, Allen Lazard, Cam Sims); late round draft pick

Wide receiver is a strong position group. Making sure that there are enough bodies behind the superstars is the only objective here.

Tight End

Need: 1 starter

Options: FA (Hayden Hurst, Dan Arnold, Jordan Akins)

In my make believe universe, Mike Gesicki gets to stay and leverage his skills in a system that knows how to make use of them. This has a 2% chance of happening in real life, BUT THIS IS MY COLUMN, SO DEAL WITH IT. Therefore, a decent all around TE to pair with him and relegating Durham Smythe to a rotational role is my goal. Jordan Akins is a good balance of skills and cost.

Tackle

Need: 2 backups

Options: FA (Cameron Fleming, Jermaine Eluemunor, Andrew Wylie); mid round draft pick

Yeah, this is counting on Austin Jackson having a resurgence. That’s probably wishful thinking, but that’s what I’m in the mood for. A healthy Tua, an ascending Jackson, maybe even an All-Pro Igbinoghene. Who knows? (We do, but that’s not the point). Armstead’s injury risk makes this a higher priority than I’d like it to be, but that’s how we roll.

Guard/Center

Need: None?

AD

There’s that hopeless optimism again. Among Robert Hunt, Robert Jones, Liam Eichenberg, and Michael Deiter, I’m counting on two of them to get it together. Here’s to being wrong.

Defensive End

Need: 1 rotational

Options: Late round draft pick

Extending Zach Seiler to go with Emmanuel Ogbah, Christian Wilkins, and a rotating group of Edge hybrids like Jaelan Phillips and Melvin Ingram makes this position a low priority.

Defensive Tackle

Need: 1 rotational

Options: FA (Taven Bryan, Christian Covington, Kevin Givens)

Like DE, the DT position benefits from some rotation among players and who knows how it’ll look under new DC Vic Fangio? DTs are typically affordable in free agency, so that’s where I go a-huntin’ for one. From my high school? And my college? Gimme Kevin Givens all the way.

Linebacker

Need: Up to 3 starters

Options: FA(s) (Bobby Okereke, Devin Bush, Nicholas Morrow); early draft pick

This is the group that I think needs the biggest overhaul on the team (which is nice to say about somewhere other than the offensive line for once). Free agent linebackers are not expensive and there are some good players floatin’ out there. Around $3m/year each gets Bobby Okereke and Nicholas Morrow to go with an early draft pick to reshape the unit.

Cornerback

Need: 1 rotational

Options: Mid round draft pick

This one’s the toughest for me. Free agent CBs are usually pretty costly. Due to the premium on the position, I think I’ll have to draft a corner with the earliest available pick even though I think that linebacker is more critical. Them’s the breaks.

Safety

Need: None

Jevon Holland rules. A healthy Brandon Jones mans the other side. An unhealthy Brandon Jones is unseated by Verone McKinley. Leave well enough alone.

Kicker

Need: Competition

I get to reuse my exact statement from last year. How quaint: “The team would be smart to force Sanders to beat out another kicker in camp after his 2022.”

Punter

Need: None

Thomas Morestead. More like. Uh. Thomas. More. More of that. Thomas Moreagain. Go away.

Long Snapper

Need: None

My intimate knowledge of long snapping duties leads me to believe that this is fine.

Duck Hunt

The Dolphins have a fairly bare cupboard in the 2023 draft due to a mix of wheelings, dealings, and embarassing shenanigans. Alas, players must be picked. An indefatigable array of artifical intelligences assured me that this collection of characters is perfectly plausible.

2.51 - Tyrique Stevenson, CB Miami
3.77 - Cody Mauch, T North Dakota State
3.84 - Noah Sewell, LB Oregon
6.178 - Jeremiah Martin, DE Washington
7.240 - Derius Davis, WR TCU

Ecco the Dolphin (and all of his friends)

Here it is. The moment that makes it all worthwhile. The completely imaginary 2023 depth chart of the Miami football Dolphins. Take it in. Bask in its glory. Watch 0% of it come to pass.

^Denotes a free agent signing
*Denotes a rookie

The Last of Us

Fin. Like the end. And also Dolfin. Go away.

I’ll level with you: I’ve been working to open a brewery while keeping my full time job. You’re right, super cool decision. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for writing here, but I do it all for my fan. Fins whatever direction gets a Superbowl.