Okay, it’s been five days since Tua was named the starter of the Miami Dolphins. I know we’ve been getting into shouting and sometimes physical altercations with friends and family over the decision to make Tua the guy, thus relegating Ryan Fitzpatrick to the bench.
Decisions like this can often bring out the worst in each other. But, what’s important is to realize when it’s time to move forward and understand that we can’t change what is. Today, the Dolphins will not be playing football due to the Covid Gods/Universe, so, to me, it seems like today is as good a day as any to move on. What better way to do that than to figure out what wrestling theme song, in a perfect world, would Tua Tagovailoa come out to if players came out to wrestling theme songs?
In coming up with this list, I took into account a few factors. I valued where Tua is from, his general attitude, or at least what I think his general attitude towards life is or should be, his skill set, and the aura that surrounds him. Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy to trim down this list to only a few. Also, one thing to keep in mind is that I’m 34, meaning that I’m fully aware of how much better the theme songs of wrestlers back then were compared to the majority of today’s themes which are made by the opposite of the flavor of the week of buttrock’s worst bands. Here’s my list.
5. Jake the Snake Roberts
Jake the Snake Roberts was one of the most technically sound professionals during his time while also not being one of the most physically imposing guys of his time which is saying something considering that nearly all of his contemporaries were geared out of their skulls. Tua is also, physically, overlooked but like Jake, Tua delivers using his chief weapon; his mind. The snakeman was a master of psychology and more often than not, already had his opponent beat before he and Damien entered the squared circle. Tua’s brain power is always on display with already knowing where to deliver the ball before the play begins. I’ve always thought of Jake’s theme song to be something of a consistency of a mental prowess. Tua, coming out to this theme, would allow him to already be up a few points on his opponent in the mind games. An important game.
4. Bret the Hitman Hart
I’m going with the Excellence of Execution’s first, solo, theme song. I think it’s better than his more well known theme. Anyways, I know we just talked about the technical ability of Jake the Snake, but not many folks that have ever lived have has much technical wrestling ability than Bret the Hitman Hart. Bret. He’s another guy who was undersized during an era of behemoths who accomplished everything you can accomplish winning the world title(WWE/WCW) seven times. This theme song, to me, just screams a guy going on his own and getting work done. It’s elegant while also being rugged, something, I feel, Tua is at heart, get it?
3. Chris Jericho
I kind of think this should be higher on my list. I just realized that it would be amazing that if there was the countdown before Tua’s first game with his three lettered name where it says Y2J along with the countdown happening. It be earth shattering. Picking this theme might be, selfish, foreshadowing due to the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, Chris Jericho’s, top of the card longevity. Perhaps, I’m just wishing that Tua plays until he’s 50 and performing at the kind of level that Jericho is doing it. This theme song is arrogant and in your face. I’d be okay if Tua came out and was a heel from the start by letting his opponent know just how much of a stupid idiot they were ever to dream that they could stop him.
Don’t overthink this one. Tua is really cool. Everyone just gravitates to him whether they know it or not. That’s what this theme is all about. It lets everyone know that Tua is cool, that he doesn’t like people who aren’t cool, and has some sweet island vibes. It’s a heel take on being quarterback, but I think that would elevate Tua to a stratosphere that hasn’t been dreamt of yet. Oh and Carlito, he was just alright.
Honorable Mention- Vince McMahon
There isn’t any, responsible way, to do write a blog about wrestling theme songs without including the chairman, Vince McMahon’s theme. You can use this theme for so many reason. Tua coming out to this without ever playing a game would give a signal to the rest of the league that he’s a guy that believes that he can do whatever he wants. That be a fun time to live in.
Was Tazz that great? Not particularly. But was his theme pure fire? You betcha. If Tua came out to this, with the medical sound(not sure what it’s called and I’m not going to look it up), is it would bring Hard Rock stadium down to the ground. The Rams or whoever is Miami is playing would be shaking in their pads. We know that Tua is tough. This theme could only be used by tough guys. Tough guys that you shouldn’t be trifling with. It’s why it gets the #1 spot on this very important list.
Enjoy the games tomorrow without the pleasure of watching the Dolphins.
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