The Houtz Files: A Phinsider Roast Series

I’m proud to say that Josh Houtz is blessed with child number two on the way, little Denney Ricky Houtz shall bring warmth and love to the world.

Good thing because little Denney’s father Josh is a total dickens.

Guess what time we’re supposed to record Phinsider Radio? 9:30. Guess what time a certain someone is taking out the trash, or folding laundry, or going to his lair for a vintage 8-month old IPA from Constantinople? 9:30 becomes 9:45, which becomes 9:52. Then he gets on the mic and sounds like Harland Williams from Half Baked.

Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Have you ever heard of the “fear poops”? Chef Boyardee here gets ‘em rather significantly. We interviewed Richmond Webb on the podcast, and before the show he was like Harry in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd spiked his drink with Ex-Lax. When we interviewed Tony Pauline during draft season? He had to run into a Toys R Us bathroom before coming back out to the parking lot for the show. When Houtz is a big fan of your work, he better have a big fan in his bathroom.

Thank the heavens this dude showers before every Miami Dolphins game as some sort of weird superstition or I could probably smell the hershey streaks in his underwear from Ohio.

If you sneezed into a pile of pubic hairs, the resulting scatter would approximately resemble the beard Josh Houtz possesses, and probably owns more sweatpants and pajama pants than any other clothing item.

Photo by Mark Davis/Getty Images for YouTube

That’s me trying to give Houtz some advice on how to look less like Screech Powers on meth.

Didn’t work.

I am 1-0 watching live Miami Dolphins game with him, so there’s that. He almost fought somebody at that game, so there’s that.

When you think of Josh Houtz, just think of the armpit of America.

THE END