If Miami Dolphins fans had an online dating profile, there’s no doubt about the sexiness — the Dolphins do have the best uniform/color scheme in all of professional sports.
However, any prospective date might see the absence of a twinkle in the eyes, or maybe it’s “Adam Gase” eyes, or maybe the referee just tossed a flag right into the pupil a la Orlando Brown.
Yes, Dolphins fans are hot...and crazy. Years of mediocre will do that to even the purest of souls.
I want to work on that “crazy” part for a moment, though — you need not succumb existential gratification to the ghosts of Dolphins’ past. Every off-season, Dolphins fans will comb through the warts of yesteryear, but the wound doesn’t heal, it is renewed against the backdrop of perpetual Playoff winlessness.
I aim to chip away at those bricks weighing Dolphins fans down. Let’s start with last year’s defense led by Matt Burke.
My first proposition is that Matt Burke is called a different name that rhymes. Possibilities:
- Cat Smirk
- Fat Jerk
- Rat Lurk
- Shat Quirk
This will buffer the violent gag reflex you’ll surely experience, and you can focus on healing instead of throwing up your mimosa.
FANS DON'T CARE THREAD— A-A-Ron (@ASuttonPFN) December 20, 2018
What originally started as an investigation of the "injuries are the root of the 7-7 record" quickly became damning evidence against Matt Burke. The following data is from Week 5 onward (when I deemed it possible to say we were "injury-ravaged"): https://t.co/ABMQXKZJaz
Check out that thread. I analyze things for real in there. Spoiler: Cat Smirk sucked.
If you don’t believe me, then believe Minkah Fitzpatrick instead.
While I covered the NFL Combine for the Pro Football Network this year, I saw Shat Quirk on several occasions — close enough to flick a booger on him. Despite the fact that most of my favorite movies have an element of revenge in it, psychologically, revenge isn’t as satisfying as you might think.
If you see this face again, resist booger-flicking. Here’s what you do:
- Inhale and exhale. If inhales are mixed with THC, I understand.
- Go use the bathroom: #1 or #2 will be suffice, but considering the circumstances, be wary of a #3.
- Donate money to SUTTON.
- Read one page of a book. If you don’t have a book, read the ingredients list on your shampoo bottle.
- Write Wide 9 on a post-it note. Then crumble it up, channel your inner Dan Marino and laser the thing against a wall. Make sure you pick it up and throw it away or Joe Philbin will be most displeased.
- You remember why you’re mad? Neither do I.
Taking this comprehensive approach to battling football crises, in later installments we can apply this sure-to-be famous methodology to other areas of discomfort: Drew Brees, no Super Bowl wins for Dan Marino, the Native American burial ground the stadium is built on, Miko Grimes, Ricky’s retirement, etc...
I’m here for you, fam — let me know down in the Comments Section which demon you’d like eradicated from your consciousness.