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Happy Father’s Day from your favorite mass reproducer

Nope, it’s not Antonio Cromartie or Philip Rivers — it’s me, SUTTON!

City Point, Kids Foot Locker, And Haddad Brands Present BKLYN Rocks - Backstage and Front Row Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images for City Point
Author’s note: you will not get pregnant reading this article, I promise.

You know the drill, fellas. On Mother’s Day, moms go to the salon and have two workers on each toe while sipping on a mojito, reading the 65 Mother’s Day cards they received from family and friends, pouring their hearts out as to the vital nature of mom’s role in their life.

Fast forward to Father’s Day, all most of us want is to just be left alone in absolute silence, left to do whatever we want. Instead, like 46 people come over and we end up cooking meat. Hey, at least I got a new pair of Miami Dolphins socks.

Dads, you serve an integral role in the ebbs and flows of life, and I for one appreciate you. To all the fathers out there who have made sacrifices to make their child’s life better, to all the fathers who raise a child(ren) by themself, to all the fathers who wanted to be fathers and biologically couldn’t, to all the fathers who have since passed that have made us the men we are today — we salute you!

And to my biological father, Dan Marino, thank you for bringing me the gift of life and being a Miami Dolphins fan.

Happy Father’s Day!


What are you going to do on Father’s Day?

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    (16 votes)
  • 48%
    Aim to do nothing, but will somehow be actively involved in random stuff all day
    (57 votes)
  • 10%
    Break down film on John Denney
    (12 votes)
  • 27%
    Shut up, SUTTON. You’re stupid and it’s hard to see that a woman could overlook all of your flaws to have one child with you, let alone 19 of them.
    (32 votes)
117 votes total Vote Now