My wife steered the Honda Odyssey while children snoozed - I finally had some time to look into fantasy football. Fairly quickly, I had a treacherous, most perilous thought: if Tom Brady were on the board, and the value was there, could I click the “draft” button?
It became a much harder proposition to resolve than I expected.
Fantasy football requires a different level of fanhood, one that’s more polygamous than your “true” monogamous Dolphins self. It also requires more emotional distance, especially if you are playing in a money league. Screw your feelings, draft the best players regardless of team and make money. Coolly monstrous. Like Nurse Ratched.
Except it’s not easy to flirt with some players, as it creates a tension within that’s scantily worth visiting. I’ll admit fam, I had a relationship with LeSean McCoy in 2016. I thought he presented tremendous value in the 3rd round and I decided to overlook the nasty “Buffalo Bills” thing. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but it helped result in some dollars getting stacked.
LeSean McCoy is not Tom Brady.
Even when I type “Tom Brady”, I feel like punching myself in the face. No other player can make me feel that way. How dare I type the words Tom Brady on a Miami Dolphins website? The audacity! And I shutter at the thought of the existential work involved in drafting Tom Brady on a fantasy football team: you actually have to follow him and root for his statistical production. That thought alone may have ruptured my gall bladder.
I don’t even want to draft Jimmy Garoppolo for the residual stench of being affiliated with Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. I could have my draft right this very second, and not know what choice I’d make.
What would you do? Would you draft Tom Brady on your fantasy team?
Just to bury the hatchet with anybody who’s triggered by me bringing up Tom Brady, here’s Tom Brady getting sacked by a bunch of people:
Would You Draft Tom Brady On Your Fantasy Team?
This poll is closed
Shut up, SUTTON. You’re stupid, and to be honest, I didn’t read the article because it was about Tom Brady. I just made sure to vote that you were stupid.