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What my #sauces are saying... Jarvis Landry, Kirk Cousins, NFL Draft, and much, much more!

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“Sources are like buttholes. everyone has one and most of them stink!” - Thomas Jefferson

Warning: I do not have real sources. What I do have are #sauces and they are far superior than having a ball boy or custodian inside the Dolphins organization. Consider me the bald dude from game of thrones, and my many three-eyed ravens are feeding me a heavy dose of rumors and other shit.

Over the last few weeks, my t-mobile sidekick has been vibrating out the wazoo. Jarvis Landry this, #11 pick that. Hell, Blake Bortles’ mother messaged me a few days ago about his new deal, but I promised I wouldn’t say anything. To be honest, it was hard to keep up with all the valuable information I received. Lucky for you, I have been given the okay to share my plethora of news and rumors with my fellow Phinsider brethren.

Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Blake Bortles

Believe it or don’t, Blake Bortles’ Mom and I are very close. Like very, very close. She’s a nice lady who makes one hell of a meatloaf. Anyway, the other day we were hanging out and Blake calls about some ridiculous contract extension. Blake’s Mom couldn’t even believe the offer the Jags gave. She replied.

“I love you son, but I would rather have you backing up Eli’s goofy ass. At least then we can beat New England.”

To be honest, Bortles has more playoff wins in 2017 than the Dolphins have had in the last 20 years. FML.

The Kirk Cousins Saga

I received an interesting text from my sauce earlier this week.

“No one wants to live in New Jersey, so why the hell would Kirk Cousins want to go play for the lowly Jets? They suck. Their fans can’t even spell Jets properly and their mascot is some 79-year old pretend firefighter. “

He believes Minnesota is the team who will eventually sign Kirk Cousins.

“Mike Zimmer is like that pirate in that one movie that gets all the other pirates to follow him into the black abyss. His eye patch is dope, he’s a good coach and when he gets mad his face turns red like a strawberry. If Kirk Cousins was on the Vikings in the NFC Championship game, he likely would’ve thrown three interceptions and Minnesota would’ve still had to watch Philly win a Super Bowl in their stadium. But he deserves the $30+ million.

What my #sauces are saying about Jarvis Landry

One of my little birdies messaged me this past weekend, with incredible knowledge on the contract situation with Jarvis Landry. Here’s what he said.

“The dolphins like Jarvis Landry and his ability to catch footballs with one hand. He does a great job making one-handed catches. He’s also very good at dodge ball and almost won the pro-bowl skills competition. That is why Miami placed the franchise tag on him. They believe a team will see the value in his ability to play with only one arm, and how well he did in dodge ball and send two first-round picks to Miami.

This is all speculation but if a long-term deal is reached, he could end up with a Jimmy G type contract. “

Another #sauce said

“Teams like his grit and ability to run around the field with his legs. He hits hard and can do other things. He also has nice hair and could be passed off as Odell’s brother. Who doesn’t want an Odell doppelgänger?”

UPDATE:

As Barry Jackson reported early last week, the Dolphins have officially given Jarvis Landry permission to facilitate a trade. Here is what my #sauces are saying...

“It is believed that 31 NFL teams have interest in Jarvis Landry but not all of them have the cash money the bird man to pay him. This entire situation sucks, and I blame agent Dildoe Baggins as to why it has taken a turn for the worse. The way I see it is Landry is Smeagol, and Dildoe is trying to help him get his precious. No one likes Baltimore and they don’t have any cap space. Best case scenario Miami uses Landry to move up to #4, or with Chicago at #8. Time will tell.”

Who should the Dolphins draft at 11?

There’s lots of interesting players who should be available at 11. Here’s what my #sauces are saying.

“It’s hard to trust a guy who can’t grow a mustache or buy cigarettes, but Tremaine Edmunds is a good football player. He’s rangy, good in coverage, and exactly what the Dolphins need at linebacker. Will he be available? Doubtful. Rumors are his draft party will be at Chuckie Cheese.”

Roquan Smith wasn’t able to do all the drills at the combine, but he’s absolutely in play at 11.

He’s fast and hits like a hammer. He’s better in coverage in Kiko but then again, what isn’t? You could put Orlando Brown out there and he’d probably do more than Kiko covering a TE.

Unlikely he falls, but Quentin Nelson is also on the team’s radar.

The Dolphins offensive line sucks and Quentin Nelson is one of the best player’s in this year’s draft. He likes pancakes and opening up large, gaping holes. He’s a pretty good player tbqh

But what about a Quarterback?

Who knows if Mayfield, Rosen, or Allen will be available at 11, but the Dolphins should have interest in all of these young guys. Mayfield is mobile, accurate, and likes to grab his nuts. Josh Rosen dgaf and he’s essentially a far superior version of Jay Cutler. Josh Allen has a rocket for an arm and can hit a goal post while sitting on his ass. Let’s not forget Lamar Jackson. He’s like Michael Vick without all the dog fighting.

Other nuggets from my #sauces

  • The Dolphins have interest in Teddy Bridgewater. They believe that between Ryan Tannehill’s one good leg and Teddy’s one good leg, they could surgically construct the perfect quarterback.
  • Miami will do whatever it takes to rid themselves of Andre Branch’s horrid contract. They’ve offered to donate him to the XFL but Vince McMahon happily declined.
  • When Josh Allen plays Madden, he likes to use Ryan Tannehill. He also wears #17 and looks like a 12-year old boy with a bowl cut. But he has a strong arm and wears a visor so he’s pretty cool. Could he learn from the almighty Tannehill in 2018, before taking his job in 2019? It’s possible.
  • Miami needs a tight end and should end up with one in this year’s draft.
  • Baker Mayfield is a bad boy who likes to grab his crotch.
  • Johnny Manziel on the practice squad?!?!?!

This article was written by Josh Houtz. Follow him on Twitter!

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