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After Many Sleepless Nights, I’ve Finally Pinpointed How the Miami Dolphins Angered the Football Gods

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And just as you expected, it has everything to do with Drew Brees. You just happen to only know a fraction of the story.

Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino (L) is sacke Photo credit should read ROBERTO SCHMIDT/AFP/Getty Images

January 15th. Remember that date. January 15th.

A cataclysmic shift in the space-time continuum occurred on January 15th, 2000.

The most prolific quarterback in the NFL to this point, Dan Marino, had willed the team to a comeback victory against the Seattle Seahawks in the Wild Card round in the previous week. The 1999 NFL Playoffs wreaked of a “going down fighting” attitude for good ol’ Dan. And why not? It was one of the things we loved about Dan: he was a fiery competitor.

Turns out the Dolphins would get pummeled 62-7 by the Jacksonville Jaguars, leaving us all a little befuddled and flaccid. While we were scratching our heads, the football gods had contingency blueprints in motion, and the ramifications were never so drastic.

The bitterness of that Jaguars defeat still lingers with any Dolphins fan who got to see the spectacle of Dan Marino during his heyday. But I contend that it was much worse: it helped give birth to a curse, one which many exorcisms will be needed to eradicate.

How were the football gods so angered on January 15th, 2000? Simultaneously, while Dan Marino was unceremoniously getting an ass kicking, there was a college kid celebrating his 21st birthday while attending Purdue University. His name was Drew Brees.

In 1999, when he was 20, ol’ Drew tried to hit on his now wife, Brittany, and took a big chomp of ain’t-gettin-none. It took him months to conjure up the courage to take a second roll-of-the-dice. He knew he had to elevate his game in 2000.

He chose the Golden Dragon.

It just so happens that the “Golden” Dragon was the Chinese zodiac symbol for the year 2000. One of its main characteristics? Unpredictable with continually changing emotions. (Remember this, young grasshopper.)

Drew Brees, trying to get laid with a woman he loves, carrying an other-worldly spirit-energy of unpredictability and perpetually being a s*#$show. Starting to come full picture now?

The football gods knew he’d eventually encounter Satan himself, (cough) Nick Saban (cough), in the 2006 off-season. They simply couldn’t risk Satan with a golden dragon. Couldn’t do it! If you look through Einstein’s theories, you’ll see this theorem discussed over and over. It would’ve been the end of it all.

Graciously the football gods avoided the destruction of mankind, but it left the Dolphins in ruins. The golden dragon got the girl, had 4 kids with her, went with the golden-colored New Orleans Saints, helped rebuild a city, and won a Super Bowl.

Satan would choose his own color of red and win championships.

Each party won, and the universe needed a loser to even the scales and there was one, and only one candidate: the Miami Dolphins. The fact that the golden dragon and Satan shared the same space for a moment sent the Miami Dolphins into a wormhole of epic proportions to resolve this metaphysical dilemma.

Did we fall on the sword for the good of the world? Yes.

But how...how do we lift the curse?!? I haven’t heard from the gods on that one, but I’ll certainly take suggestions.