The Miami Dolphins Win the Super Bowl in the Year _____________.

My poor kids. My poor 26 kids. Despite my failures at using contraceptive devices, I’ve succeeded at creating devout Dolphins fans. Only time will tell if this required a call to child protective services - OR - a catalyst to unravelling the mysteries of existential bliss.

As a child born in the early 80’s, I grew up in a culture of winning, but not winning it. I had the luxury of watching some of the best football players to grace the NFL: still haven’t won it. Then I went to college, and I honestly don’t know if college or being a Miami Dolphins fan has killed more brain cells since then.

The carousel of Dolphin dystopia is nauseating. It’s either the offensive line, or the quarterback, or the coach, or the front office, or the fans not attending, or a hurricane, or falling in love with a stripper, or Lieutenant Einhorn, or the run defense, or the bubble screens, or turnover margin, or a lack of talent, or injuries, or some mixture of these.

Pick your symptom, we’ve had a nasty AFC Yeast Infection and no matter what homeopathic remedies we try, we can’t get rid of it. Spend a lot in FA? Screw you. Spend a little in FA? Screw you. Draft offensive line? BAHAHA. Get OL in FA? BAHAHAHOTASSMESS. Bring in an offensive-minded guy? Nice try. Defensive coordinator that “really wants to attack”? Yep, mmmhmmm.

In a league centered on parity, the law of averages should hold true in a vacuum, and somehow the Miami Dolphins missed that memo and got their weiner sucked into the hot tub drain.

All passive-aggressive sarcasm aside, I genuinely want to know how long you expect it’ll take to bring the Lombardi trophy back to Miami where it belongs. Miami Dolphins fans travel so well, deserve so much better. If you think it’ll take awhile, shout it from the mountaintops; if you think it’ll happen soon, turn up the volume and be heard. I’d eventually like to feel like I’m at Woodstock instead of a methadone clinic.

Take your moment to tell us how you feel and how long you think it’ll take us to revisit the NFL pedestal.