SUTTON’s 1st salute: Jarvis Landry’s 1st Down Signal
SUTTON’s 2nd salute: Darren Rizzi’s Glare of Death
I know what you might be thinking: why are we doing a salute to John Denney, when every single day we walk this Earth we are contemplating his mystique?
Misconceptions about his conquests underestimate him, and in the interest of being an objective, investigatory journalist, I dug deep into the annals of history - and by objective, investigatory journalism, I mean I sat around and drank beer and made stuff up.
Since we’re on the subject of being honest and trustworthy, I’ve consulted many of his family members and friends to gather a rich history of his upbringing - and by consulting family members, I mean the only Denney I know is the diner owner (Denny’s) who screwed up the spelling.
Let’s go through some of the short-sighted commentary surrounding John Denney’s limitations and set the record straight:
John Denney is Immortal
This rumor started right here at the Phinsider, and rightfully so. There are conflicting reports as to his emergence into the cosmos, but the two most likely theories are:
- He was the original constituent of the primordial ooze
- 2 wormholes collided in the space-time continuum, creating an energy that fused a BYU graduate with time itself (energy measured by the Adam Gase Fist Pump formula):
What’s lesser known is that John Denney can actually pass on his immortality to others: the only condition is that you can withstand a nuclear blast on the surface of the sun while listening to your grandmother nag you about your choice in music.
John Denney Hasn’t Missed an NFL Game in His 12 Year Career
He’s also never missed practice. Or a walk-through. Or a work out. Or a bowel movement. Or an REM cycle. Or a spot while shaving. Or swatting a fly out of mid-air. Or a wedgie when you only have a moments notice before someone turns back around. Or had to use a white peg in Battleship.
John Denney is in a Relationship with Mother Earth
You see all sorts of “long snapping” reminders of John throughout animal behavior: meerkats clearing space in their tunnels, dogs finding territory for their bone, squirrels burying their acorns.
Remember the tornado in the Wizard of Oz? That was John blowing a kiss to his blue-and-green goddess. If you want to know how John and Mother Earth share intimacy, dare to stand near a fault line.
You don’t even want to know what a hurricane means. Or a volcano for that matter.
John Denney hikes footballs betwixt his thighs, spinning the football with such purity, it opens up a vortex of love and beauty. I’m convinced the folklore of Cupid is derived from John’s very ethos.
John Denney is...
This poll is closed
Really, really, really ridiculously good-looking
The embodiment of every positive attribute
Shut up, SUTTON. I could’ve cured cancer by now if it weren’t for your stupidity.