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SUTTON's Meticulously Scientific Draft Day Plan, 2016 Version

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Pie charts, regression plots, extrapolating variables to measure variance, analytics, multi-layered matrices. Yeah, you won't see any of that here.

Mary Langenfeld-USA TODAY Sports

The days are counting down as we creep slowly towards your bedroom window like Alpha towards the fateful beginning of the 2016 NFL Draft: we're less than 2 weeks away! I can't believe it's almost here! For any new bloods to the Phinsider, this is about the time of year that I trick people into thinking I have something enlightening to say about the NFL Draft with a completely misleading title. This article is more about how I'm going to drink too much and what I'll have to eat. In less douchey terms, I'm opening up the floodgates for the rituals and traditions that we Miami Dolphins fans have in experiencing the NFL Draft. Let's go around the camp fire. I'll start. (Remember, pass it to the left, boys and girls.)

Round 1: Steak

2015 1st Round pick: Nachos

The nachos I selected in 2015 performed well at the Combine, but simply did not make the "splash" in the starting lineup that I had hoped - the nachos DID change forms and "splash" into the toilet several minutes afterwards, but it left a lot to be desired. I almost missed another middle school girl slap-fight between Mel Kiper and Todd McShay while putting my nachos on the waiver wire. All the investment I spent in the ingredients and preparation, SMH. I knew it was time to go in a different direction. Enough of the cheesy carb load!

My 2 boys are complete vultures when I want to eat. They'll piss and moan when they have some perfectly good food in front of them, that they themselves picked out. But I could be eating an old sock with cancer on top and they'll think it's the most delicious morsels they've ever consumed. What a better way to be selfish than to eat a food that's a choking hazard for young children!

I'll have my wife get the grill started on medium-low heat while I trek home from work in my incredibly sleek 1998 Toyota Corolla that has more rust stains and corrosion than factory paint. I'll pat my boys on the head for about 2 seconds like they were dogs and proceed outside to throw that delicious slab of meat on the grill. Because I love to grill, I think I'll go with a New York strip. I won't overwhelm the steak with fancy personnel packages and pre-snap motion, just a little salt, a little dry rub, and a few red pepper flakes to give it a little heat. My wife will be like, "you want a baked potato or some veggies with it, sweetie pie?" I'll be like, "Pfft, whatever, hippie."

Round 2: Beer

2015 2nd Round pick: Beer

People were calling for my head last year when they saw that I allowed beer to fall to the 2nd round. News flash: I ain't 21 anymore. I ain't even 31. Although I like to pretend I'm in college sometimes, I usually end up stumbling my way through some meaningless story or just wishing my head was firmly planted on my Tempur-Pedic pillow. I'll admit that the NFL Draft gets me all hyper and excited, which usually makes me drink more (ALWAYS my downfall when I wake up too early and start pre-gaming for a live Dolphins game…last year in Buffalo, me and my buddy almost got kicked out of the hotel at 9 o'clock in the morning).

If you like the science behind the draft, then you'll be impressed with the minutiae and calculations I transact on a regular basis during the draft:

OK, I've drank 2 beers in 19 minutes. That means I'll oxidize these aforementioned 2 beers within about 90 minutes. I have to put the boys to bed by 8:15, which means, in 13 minutes, you'll be able to crack open beer #3, while progressing at a consumption rate of 1 gulp per 168 seconds, so you can at least read the boys a story that they'll understand and won't say, "Daddy mouth not workin'."

This ain't my first rodeo, boys. HAHA. That's what I tell myself, and then I drink too much. C'mon, it's the draft, who cares?

Remember this simple equation: IPA = BPA. Last year, I went with an IPA by the Great Lakes Brewing Company called Commodore Perry. Like John Denney, it'll pretty much have a lifetime place on the 53-man roster. In the interest of shaking it up, however, in 2016, I'm going with the White Rajah, a West Coast style IPA. Here's a link if you're a beer geek like Scrappy and just about everybody else on here. I stumbled upon this (no I wasn't already drunk, it's just a clever pun, asshole), while my dad and I were putting some new flooring in my kitchen. Absolutely delicious, has citrusy notes with the classic bitter aftertaste of the IPA, but goes down exceedingly smooth. 6.8% ABV, so it packs a punch, but something you can drink 6 of, as you realize how slowly the draft moves when the Dolphins aren't on the clock. I think it'll be a perfect complement to the 1st round pick. I can see them as tremendous locker room additions, having a locker together, showering together, oohh la la, OK I'm getting carried away.

Round 3: Pandora Radio

2015 3rd Round pick: Forfeited for Kenny Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

I'm not an idiot. Not a chance I'm going to risk waking up my kids while I have more important things to do like watch the draft. I have found the PERFECT interplay of volume-to-bedroom silence ratio - 3 clicks, no more, no less. I'll be putting it on Exodus radio, one of my favorite heavy metal bands. They were going to take over heavy metal until Metallica came along. My icon depicts their guitarist (Gary Holt) playing his signature blood-spattered flying V. If you've ever wanted to experience being hit over the head with a sledgehammer while having a heated altercation with Satan, you should definitely tune in.

If you're like me, within about 10 minutes, you're ready for all the draft pundits to shut up. OK, in terms you might understand, you know how you want ME to shut up? Well, that's how I feel about them blah blah blah'ing. I know what draftees will say in these uber-rehearsed interviews before they even say it. Let me guess, you'll do whatever you can to help the team win. Let me guess, you are really confident in your abilities. Let me guess, you're really excited to be a part of the team. I'd rather put that crap on mute, listen to some metal, and giggle to myself with the paradoxical relationship of Tom Araya from Slayer screaming about death and dismemberment while Todd McShay is in a business suit, calmly using hand gestures to posit his stance on a particular draftee and laughing at stupid jokes.

Round 4: Log-in to the Phinsider

2015 4th Round pick: Good Night Gorilla and a Nipple

At this time last year, I had an almost 2 year-old and a 2 month-old. I'm not as integral in getting the boys to bed any more, and as such, I'm shifting priorities to my Phinsider brethren. Last year, I was fist pumping that we landed DeVante Parker, thinking he would not slide that far. I sincerely hope to share in that same enthusiasm this year: VHIII anyone? If we are able to trade down in the 1st round this year, I might just have to go bang my wife real quick and let the boys cry themselves to sleep.

At any rate, I look forward to getting in a comment or two while Darrel Owen litters the live thread with hundreds of thousands of comments, cult movie quotes, and draft insight, all the while maintaing perfect grammar, spelling, and punctuation. (Love you, D.O. You're still my hero.)  I had never participated on the live game threads until the 2015 NFL Playoffs, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I'll see you guys there if you're not too drunk.

Round 5: Heckle my Patriots* "Friend"

2015 5th round picks: A) Turn Mute On, B) Bribe Sleep Fairy

My 2015 5th round picks busted faster than a teenage virgin. Not only did I fail to recognize that mute wouldn't help a 2 month-old sleep any better, but the sleep fairy decided to show up a few hours later like the cable company. Wifey's got that s**t on lock-down now, so I'm resorting to more sinister tactics: I'm gonna text my Patriots* "friend" and tell him how stupid he is! It's even more fun than you can imagine, because he's such a typical Masshole - hot-headed, incredibly self-centered, and uses clam chowder as lube. Nevermind he was a groomsman in my wedding, HE'S A PATRIOTS* FAN! BARF!

I'll certainly welcome some tips down in the comments section, but I'm thinking I'll go with some of these:

  • Hey, I haven't been paying attention to the draft, been really busy at work. Who did the Dolphins take? (Await response.) Who did the Patriots take in the 1st round? (Wait for his confusion/explanation). MWAHAHAHA! You guys suck! LOL!!!!
  • Send him a picture of Tom Brady's Stetson cologne ad and say that he was the original cast member for Brokeback Mountain.
  • Show him 1 of the 3,126 pictures of Tom Brady crying on the Internet.
  • Text him, "Gronk like Fartellus Bennett. Gronk no like 1st round picks."
  • Text him, "Good thing you guys released a 1st round pick from 2014 since you don't have one this year."

Round 6: Prank Call Jets "Friend"

2015 6th Round pick: Come to Phinsider

I'll admit 2 things: 1) I'm likely already drunk, 2) I'm immature. In 2015, I decided that 2:30 in the morning was a good time to log-in to the Phinsider and make my thoughts known. Didn't get QUITE the response I was looking for, so I decided to invest more heavily in 2016 with a 4th round pick. I suppose most responsible adults don't drink heavily and get 4 hours of sleep before they have to get ready for work the next day.

This year, I plan on getting even with my Jets "friend", who had the upper-hand in 2015 considering we got smoked in both games. He was LOL'ing and talking s**t the entire game, and I had nothing to say. But damnit, I'm resorting to butch-league tactics this year and calling him at 3 a.m., knowing that he has to work early. The Dolphins ARE the off-season champions for a reason, right?

I was thinking I go Hispanic maid like Tommy Boy, "Want me fluff your pillow?" And see how he responds from a sleep stupor. Or tell him that I would be in town tomorrow and he should call off, and then be like, "Eh, nevermind, you suck. That would be stupid." Or be like, "Hey, I was sprinting to your house and then…(pretend like I dropped phone)…oops I just fumbled my phone into my own offensive lineman's ass."

Round 7: A) Mesh shorts and B) Tannehill Jersey

2015 7th Round pick: N/A

I've likely been so caught up in all the draft madness that I've forgotten to get more comfortable and change out of my work clothes. Either that or I puked on them. At any rate, considering I probably should've went to bed about 5 hours beforehand, it's time to get ready for a date with a king-size haven. Time for the tried-and-true reversible mesh shorts that I've worn for the past 12 years, and to add a little flavor to the wind-down phase, put on my Tannehill jersey to try and promote positive karma. OK, so my wife completely f'ed it up and all of the numbers are melted off, but hey, it has character. I'm going to the grave with a Dolphins jersey on, so I might as well practice and get a couple hours of coma in me before I have to face the public again.

I would love to hear what your plan is for the draft! Leave it down below! Peace, love, and water bongs.

-SUTTON