I'm going to keep the front office simple: hire a general manager and have Dawn Aponte do everything else.
General Manager: Turtle
Although he doesn't know it yet, Brian Naidus, AKA Turtle, agreed to become the general manager. It became clear with his thoughtful approach to improving our beloved Miami Dolphins that he was the right choice for the job. In this secret agreement that he didn't know about, a 6-pack of Schlitz and a Blu-Ray version of Dirty Dancing was considered appropriate compensation. Congratulations, Turtle!
Let's get to the coaching staff:
Head Coach: Kevin Nogle
It should come as no surprise that Kevin Nogle was named Head Coach. He makes Dan Campbell look like Pee Wee Herman. He has the intelligence and know-how to lead a bunch of knuckleheads and half-drunks into a game and get a W. The dude runs the site on tour in Saudi Arabia. Enough said.
Offensive Coordinator: Chris Early
The "Duke" is the kind of guy who turns down a lukewarm friend for drinks so he can go home and sip on bourbon on ice while breaking down the minutiae of Games 1-4 on his All-22. If we're going down, we're going down guns blazin'.
Defensive Coordinator: James McKinney
AKA Texascowpunk, James has been shutting down offensive trolls, SPAM, and rampant douchebaggery for years. He's been groomed for the position.
Special Teams Coordinator: Strange
If my teams can't be special, I want them to be strange. You haven't even seen a fake punt until you've seen what Strange has drawn up. He hid the ball WHERE?!?!
On to the 1st team offense selections...
Teams with handsome QB's are statistically more likely to win championships, and I don't think there's any question that I am by far the most handsome member on the Phinsider. I'd put up a poll to get an accurate gauge, but most of you would be seduced to tell me to shut up and forget to vote for yourself.
Running Back: Craniator87
Craniator87 and I were drafted in the same draft class, and I can tell you that this dude is a workhorse RB. He infiltrated the DODO (Dolphins Only Draft Offense) conspiracy so you know he has good vision and instincts. With the way he pumps out quality articles, you know he works as hard in practice as he does in the game - high motor and high character. May have to work on elusiveness if Dolphins draft offense.
Wide Receiver: Darrel.Owen
With a library of knowledge of cult and classic movies, you know he can dissect tape and project it onto the field. His routes are precise like a technician, as exemplary as his spelling, punctuation, syntax, and grammar. He is a great locker room presence, and simply puts out quality, steady production week after week. He's the ultimate team player.
Wide Receiver: phinsatx
Don't let his one-sentence responses fool you, this dude knows football. Something tells me this guy can get deep on the opposing defense without them even knowing it. Like, mind-blowing type stuff. Like reading Confucius and not knowing what he's talking about at the time, and then 237 days later your mind explodes with life-transcending wisdom.
Tight End: Hollywood Dolfan
Total football guy and whatever-it-takes attitude to get the job done. Student of the game. Considering he dabbles in acting, he was a classic fit for the dual-role TE who can both catch and block at a high level that we've been desperately seeking. If anybody can play a dual-role, it's an actor.
Left Tackle: Finhead83
A real voice of reason in the locker room and has a sound approach to the game. Shows good leadership and not afraid to squelch a fire caused by lazy analysis. A fearless competitor that we want on the trenches. His position is conditional on a physical that he passes with 20/20 vision since he'll be protecting my blind side. I don't want to pee blood like Ryan Tannehill, and it would also jeopardize a very lucrative modeling career that I have lined up post-make-believe-blogging-inspired football.
Right Tackle: Sand_in_Shoes
A promising youngblood who shows a tenacity for football. His work ethic and his sense of humor are welcome locker room additions. Just don't be Jason Fox and you'll be fine, buddy. His position is conditional that he agrees to wear shoes that do not have sand in them.
Left Guard: darryldunphy
Talk about a blue-collar, humble guy, double D fits nicely on the trenches for the Phinsider. Outstanding leadership and a hell of a cook. The cook thing may not mean much to you, but since I'm the QB, and the OL and QB hang out so much, I will reap the benefits of cookouts hosted by Mr. Dunphy in the off-season. He can also tell my wife recipes to make for me during the times I'm not camped out in his kitchen. He can also improve the quality of concession products at the stadium. There's a lot to like about this guy.
Right Guard: PhlyPhin747
Brings a great attitude to the locker room, as his LOL's and catch phrases get more impressive by the day. Knows football and knows how to communicate well with others. A true team player. His position is conditional on him being able to instruct all other Phinsiders that Phly stands for "fly", not for "Philly".
Jason1324 is someone I want helping me make those all-too-important calls and adjustments at the line of scrimmage. I once watched him and a fellow Phinsider have such a thoughtful and nerdy dissection of statistics, that I couldn't help but REC it since I'm a math-geek myself. He can pack a punch, too. His position is conditional on not being associated with the Voorhees family.
On to the 1st team defense selections...
Defensive End: PhinsTifosi
Another student of the game who excels with technique. His motor is unquestionable, as I've seen him go on dozen-long exchanges on multiple occasions with other Phinsiders. His position is conditional on proving to the organization that Tifosi is NOT a tofu-inspired dish.
Defensive End: Alpha6
If anything inspires the fear and paranoia trying to game plan for any one particular individual, it's Alpha6. He's here, he's there. He's up in that tree, he's in your underwear drawer. You never know where he's gonna line up, and you never know how he's going to attack. He's got a legit bull rush and a swift spin move; he can take your breath away with vulgarity and enlighten you with football knowledge. His position is conditional on passing a standard background check. Well, just no felonies. Well, on second thought, no more than 2 felonies. He's that important.
Defensive Tackle: DrTobiasFunke
This dude will slap you around in the trenches if you ain't careful, homey. Just try and bring a weak argument, I dare you. He brings a lit bit of good nastiness to the Phinsider, and sets the tone early and often. His position is conditional on sharing some of his Funke buds with
me those who have the proper paperwork. It's OK, he's a doctor.
Defensive Tackle: dolphinfan4lyfe
This selection is all about strength. Not only does he bring insightful responses and attention to detail, but he brings a chip on his shoulder. If for whatever reason a bar room brawl broke out, he's the dude I'd be hiding behind: he'd unflinchingly take a pool stick to the face for the team, and then tie the bad guys into pretzels before we casually sit back and resume our drinks. He also descended from Vikings. Not Minnesota Vikings, like, real Vikings. I'm pretty sure he drinks a mixture of mead and elk blood from a goblet.
Linebacker: scrappy the wildcat
Does this require any explanation? He's scrappy. Try to block him high, he'll bite your ankles. Try to block him low, and he'll pounce over you on his way to annihilating misinformation. A true sideline-to-sideline player. His position is conditional on being neutered. Sorry scrappy, I watched the Price Is Right as a child and I can't unlearn that lesson.
A real-life coach seems to be that tape hound we want in the middle who knows what's comin' before it's comin'. Highly intelligent and has knowledge on a variety of schemes. His off-season posts highlight his vision and understanding of the game. His position is conditional on not having the same life expectancy as Kenny from South Park.
Another guy who is a real student of the game and understands football. Level-headed in his approach and a solid contributor during film study. You can count on consistent production. I've seen him spear a guy with his words before, so I know he's not afraid to make a tackle and get his hands dirty.
We have the luxury of having a true shutdown corner in ct1361. Try bringing some puppy dog-rainbow bull**** on the boundary with ct1361 and see what happens - you'll get shut down. His monacre is whispering to his WR victims: "You're like Brian Hartline, you're not very good." An absolute tape junkie, and light on his feet, ct brings it everyday with the same tenacity and ensures that everyone is equally motivated as well. His position is conditional on staying at least 1,000 yards from any public relations event. We don't need the image scorn because ct said, "he's not very good" when asked about playing a video game with a child during a Make-A-Wish segment. There's not a moment of candy-coatedness.
Cornerback: PC Principal
Don't let him fool you, this is Shauny, ladies and gentleman: his ability to change schemes simply enhances his allure. One of my first tried-and-true sparring partners. A guy who doesn't back down from a challenge, and a guy committed to win. Tough, knowledgeable, and a team player. His position is conditional, based on him being the Principal of PC, to never allow proctologists to banish the word "asshole" from our vernacular because they are offended by it.
Free Safety: Wild Zion Beaver
You never know where he's at. Is he in centerfield? Up at the line of scrimmage? In line for a beer at the concession stand? Speaking two languages simultaneously with neither of them being English? FS doesn't stand for free safety, it stands for free spirit. And there's no freer spirit than the Beav, maaaaan.
Strong Safety: Jason Scott_90
Hard hitter, especially if you're lobbing some weak ass arguments over the middle. He is full-tilt all the time, and great on the practice field for those early morning doldrums. Brings a nice mix of tape study and instincts, and is a relentless competitor. Yes, he has 2 first names (he emulates his style after other 2-first-name-having safeties like Ed Reed, Earl Thomas, and Will Allen), but he cares far more for the logo on the front than the name on the back.
With so many quality posters on the Phinsider, inevitably there will be snubs. If you feel like you got snubbed and you're destined for greatness at a certain position, or want to nominate someone else for a starting gig, leave it in the comments section! Remember that it's still open competition on the depth chart, there's plenty of other organizational vacancies to fill, and I'm also easily bribed with beer and food, or any combination thereof.
(Just trying to have fun before the Draft, everyone. All in jest. I appreciate you all!)