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SUTTON’s Salute to Darren Rizzi’s Glare of Death

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Darren Rizzi can hold you accountable with his eyeballs alone.

dailysnark.com

In my 1st installment of the “Salute” series, I thanked Jarvis Landry for being the best 1st down celebration artist on the planet.

This “Salute” is all about Darren Rizzi. The Miami Dolphins special teams unit is the only unit in the NFL that can boast a kickoff return TD, a punt return TD, a blocked punt for a TD, and a blocked extra point (returned for a 2-point conversion [h/t PhinsTifosi]).

This salute isn’t about Darren Rizzi’s accomplishments, though. PFFT! BORING! This salute is about his eyes that snatch souls from the clutches of fate. Like Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat, Darren Rizzi’s white saucers beneath his eyebrows say “Your soul is mine!”

When Terrence Fede blatantly roughed the punter in the Cincinnati game, Rizzi gave him “the look” (seen above as the main picture of the article [the link includes a few more pictures and a video]) and said some 4-letter words that even an amateur lip reader could understand perfectly. His eyes were so convincing I thought I did something wrong. Fede garnered 34 special teams snaps through Week 4 of the 2016 NFL season. After his epic blunder, Fede has played a whopping 31 special teams snaps in the past 10 games.

imageofsport.com

“Come to me, soul. I must acquire more energy so the veins in my neck don’t reduce in girth.”

~Darren Rizzi

(Photo courtesy of imageofsport.com - here’s a link: http://www.imageofsport.com/search/keywords/Darren%20Rizzi)

BREAKING NEWS: I’ve confirmed from multiple made-up sources that the infamous picture of Tom Brady crying was actually because he had a flashback of accidentally making eye contact with Rizzi a few years ago.

Pacific Daily News

Rizzi’s favorite means of ingesting souls is through mouth inhalation - his cuss words come out more monstrously and abrasively when he has a fresh soul on the roof of his mouth.

(Photo courtesty of the Pacific Daily News - here’s a link: http://www.guampdn.com/sports/nfl/event/2015/47030/gallery/)

Darren Rizzi, your focused eyeball anger transforms grown men into puddles of urine. You have helped create a culture of accountability...and soulless bed-wetting. Move over, Medusa - Darren Rizzi’s death glare is the reigning champion of eyeball doom.