So the draft has come and gone, which for us Dolphins fans is usually the most exciting and encouraging time of the year. And even though the draft is less than two weeks removed, mock drafts are already beginning to pop up looking ahead to next year. While you may have seen 2016 Mock Drafts online already, I wanted to do one better and look WAY down the line at potential studs for the future of this franchise. This ladies and gentlemen, is your 2030 Miami Dolphins Mock Draft. We will be looking at some BIG TIME BALLERS to keep an eye out for over the next 15 years!
Round 1, Pick 32 - Kevin O' Callahan, QB, Springfield Elementary
Age: 7, Height: 4'3, Weight: 72 pounds
It's finally time for Ryan Tannehill to hang up his cleats after 18 years of Hall-of-Fame numbers and 11 Super Bowl titles. Tannehill blew away all contenders for "Greatest QB of All Time" title after he finished his last season with a 72-0 Super Bowl victory over the Bears in Super Bowl 64.
Enter Kevin O' Callahan. The future of quarterback for Miami has got to be Callahan... a smart, sharp kid who once solved a Rubix Cube in less than 4 hours. He's tough and gritty and he's got a pretty good arm, as he was the unanimous Color War MVP last year. He's also got pretty good mobility and he showed us that when he tied for first in the sack race last fall. Callahan has everything you look for in a franchise QB but needs to grow about 2-feet and put on about 150 pounds or so to truly be the difference maker we need.
Round 2, Pick 64 - Louis Madison, DT, Heritage Prep School
Age: 6 (and three quarters), Height: 4'0, Weight: 111 pounds
Madison is a beast! Easily the largest kid in his class, Louis was once dared to eat 20 Snack Pack puddings in one sitting! He has been the anchor at recess in EVERY Tug-Of-War game and has never lost. He's an immovable object and although he's not the best at Hide-And-Seek, Louis is a high character pick who loves football almost as much as he does pie. Louis is very fluid for a big guy and has showcases great hips, he's actually incredibly good at hula-hooping, you would NOT believe it.
Round 3, Pick 96 - Karen Gilmore, K, Homeschooled
Age: 7, Height: 4'5, Weight: 82 pounds
Karen makes history as the first female player in the NFL. Women's rights activist celebrate, as their 2029 strike for involving females in pro sports seemed to have finally paid off. The activists were already successful two years ago when they put into law that the idea of female cheerleaders is sexist, which prompted the NFL to replace the cheerleaders with robots*. Karen has a monster leg and is ALWAYS the first one picked in kickball. She's got ice water running through her veins, and usually a spaghetti stain or two on her shirt. Gilmore is a drafted high for a kicker, but it could be worth it considering women's rights activists also got the NFL to implement a new rule stating that all points scored by females will be worth triple the points.
* Robot cheerleaders may be in jeopardy for the 2030 season due to protests by robot activists.
Round 4, Pick 128- Roger Incognito, LB, Sweetwater Elementary
Age: 8, Height: 4'5, Weight: 93 pounds
Incognito is the definition of a high reward, high risk pick based on some character issues. The son of former Dolphins player Richie Incognito, Roger is a tough kid who is always picked first for dodgeball, because he insists the captain picking him first "if he knows what's good for him". Incognito has a bit more experience after being held back for a year for picking on a former student, Reginold Martin. But if he can keep his act together, Incognito has all the makings of a punishing middle linebacker. When he's not in time out, he's absolutely dominating in recess. Incognito's easily the toughest kid in his class, and once got stung by a bee and didn't even cry. #BEAST.
Round 5, Pick 160- Twon "Twiggy" Alexander, WR, Fairfield Christian Academy
Age: 7, Height: 4'1, Weight: 69 pounds
Twon Alexander, or "twiggy" as his best friend calls him, is a lightning fast prospect from the west coast. He is undefeated in freeze tag and his conditioning is elite. He credits his limitless energy to an endless supply of Twizzlers and Mountain Dew. This kid blazes and can easily step in for this team's top receiver and O' Callahan's #1 target. His only knack is his hands, as he was supposedly brought to Ted Ginn's Football Camp last year by his parents, which hasn't seemed to help much for some reason.
Round 6, Pick 192- PICK DONATED to the New York Jets as part of Fuhrer Goodell's "Sympathy Rule"
This rule was instated five years ago in which the Super Bowl Winning team would give their 6th round pick to the team in last place. Ironically, the Jets have received the Dolphins last five 6th round picks.
Round 7, Pick 224- Kevin McKinney, S, Academy for Exceptional Young Men
Age: 7, Height: 4'4, Weight: 88 pounds
Miami once again gets the sleeper of the draft as McKinney was removed from alot of draft boards due to the fact that teams weren't sure of his commitment to football. McKinney has a delicate personality and spent most of his spare time researching aeronautical engineering, as he first developed his own drone at age 4. Turns out his true passion is football however, and he promised the head coach of the Dolphins, Cameron Wake, that he would love to help the team in any way possible. McKinney is a smart, dedicated individual and he's researched the game in order to be the most intelligent person on the field. Plus, he's "like super fast" and once "lifted up a car with his bare hands" according to his best friend Chris "#Ct2" Taylor, who was "totally there when it happened. It was crazy, dude".
So what do you think of this draft class!? A few sleepers, but tons of talent! Sound off below.
PS. This mock is a parody of how completely insane mock drafts are nowadays and people's obsession over something completely insignificant. I hope you found the humor in this, because you know atleast one person is going to start arguing about how Twiggy Alexander would be a reach in Round 6. Oh well, I guess that's why Jets fans exist. Enjoy the offseason guys and GO FINS.