In a completely original, did not copy the concept from anyone, idea, I decided we should take a minute this week, with the 2014 NFL Draft just a few days away, to consider some critical scouting reports. No, not of the Miami Dolphins' draft prospects, but rather the reports on our Phinsider staff. Here's how we look according to some unbiased "expert" analysis (or we wrote these ourselves).
(Oh, and if this post looks similar to this one from Acme Packing Company, it's complete coincidence. Just because he shared the idea with some of the SB Nation editors does not mean I ripped it off. Nope.)
After a four-year career at Florida Tech, where he successfully continued his football career at the highest intramural level - and by football, we mean soccer - Nogle decided he wanted a chance to see parts of the world he may never have had an opportunity to see otherwise. Has twice taken all-expense paid vacations to exotic locales like Iraq and, well, Iraq. Questionable decision making, demonstrated by his collection of Miami Dolphins jerseys including Daunte Culpepper, Reggie Bush, Joey Porter, and a surprising number of failed 19 jerseys. Large hands, covers much of the keyboard with ease, though tends to use right hand over most of the keys, rather than a half-and-half breakdown. Seems to prefer to write articles in a prone position, leading to questions about his ability to withstand the intensity needed in long, multiple publication days.
Originates from the mean streets of Coral Gables Florida but transferred to Texas for unknown reasons, leading to some questionable team alliances. Tends to swing a heavy ban hammer in the presence of trolls. Writes and does everything with his left hand causing some scouts to question, "Does his right hand even work?". Despite an adequate athletic career as a youth his skills have waned has he has moved in to his mid 40's, best displayed by the quote "I, um...don't really run any more!" Exhibits what one scout called "the best damn cut and paste skills I have ever seen", but questions still remain about his ability to turn out "original" content on a consistent basis. Has been called everything from beloved to a narcissistic A-hole. Is said to prefer the latter description.
Did not get into football until 2008. Has never played a down of football in his life, but is surprisingly athletic. Played a lot of baseball until a fractured wrist ended his young career in 6th grade. The wrist hasn't hampered him from hitting the weight room every other day. Currently studying computer science in college. He is currently 21 and is not a big fan of alcohol/beer and has no gang affiliations. He loves playing video games in his spare time. He started playing League of Legends a year ago and has become hooked on the game and the LoL esports scene. Has a "me against the world mentality" after multiple family issues. Laid back and keeps to himself mostly. Contrary to belief, he is not a dog. [GM Note: Double check this dog report - we aren't sure it's accurate to report that he is not, in fact, a dog.]
A mad Englishman that grew up in the Bahamas. The lure of the great Dan Marino while sitting in the stands at the age of 6 had him hooked, lined and sinkered. Now roams the streets of London to spread the gospel of the great Miami Dolphins.
Mark "mloiselle34" Loiselle, Jr.
A 6-foot-4 specimen in the athletic world. Writes and shoots the basketball with his left hand, but does everything else right-handed. Go figure, right? Takes his talents to the mic and the internet journalism stratosphere three to four days within the week, but sleeps in for a little recovery on his days off (his weakness). He does need to work on cooking meals for himself, instead of relying on takeout. But sticks with protein, so gym efforts become second nature to him. He may go somewhere in life - not in professional athletics - but may have an opportunity down the line in the communications and journalism world.
Does not possess a very high motor. Impossible to move at the point of attack after a long evening of bourbon consumption. Set the combine record for blood alcohol level this past March. More quick than fast. Reminds John Madden a lot of Wes Welker. Most scouts question his work ethic, and rightfully so, as he never awakened before noon for all of his 20's. On a related note, he's very old for this draft class, which doesn't allow for much time to develop any discernible skill. Is a coach on the field in the sense that he feels as though he knows everything. This trait is also enhanced to almost superhuman levels while consuming bourbon. Shockingly, no off the field issues to this point and by most accounts is a great teammate who is a joy to be around. Life long Miami Dolphin fan so no situation is ever taken for granted, and also a result he has learned not to expect too much from anyone, ever. Highly unlikely to make the final 53 for any NFL Roster. Maybe worth a flyer in free agency after the draft as a team drinking mascot of sorts.
Newcomer to the SB Nation family and still has a lot to prove but has a high ceiling with an almost unlimited amount of potential. Has a fairly large Twitter following but tends to cause various disagreements on a daily basis. Works most effectively on six hours of sleep and after two cups of coffee. Spends way too much time analyzing stats and data and would be better served taking a break at times to spend time with his wife. However, that can be turned into a positive by proving that he's dedicated to The Phinsider and the Miami Dolphins organization.
The most skilled and knowledgable football player to never suit up for a team. Is a mix of William Shakespeare and Vince Lombardi. Says the word "likely" too much. Cannot withstand tempatures under 50°. Impersonates multiple accents with great skill but none better than a New York accent. Could put on a good 30 pounds but doesn't enjoy lifting because he says "weights are heavy". Falls into a deep, dark depression when the Dolphins lose.