Ahhhh, it's the NFL off-season. I've done mock drafts on fanspeak.com ad nauseam. I've been lurking in the shadows, studying every website, reading every Phinsider response,
drinking way too much beer, hanging out with Alpha, coming up with the ultimate, long-term, visionary-esque game plan for creating the mad scientist of the NFL world. But then again, I have no control over it.
So here's my game plan. I'm gonna get some good booze.
Here's my round by round game plan for attacking the draft the only way a fan can: root in the hopes your team makes the right decision and/or party.
Round 1: At 6:01 I will punch out and skedaddle home in my quasi-working Toyota Corolla. I've already turned in my "5 hours of silence" gift card that was given to me as a Christmas present from my wife. I plan on drinking, smoking cigarettes and, um, something else, and listening to extremely loud music. You know…all the things my wife hates…and she can't say sh….
OK. Here's where I need your advice. I'm leaning towards a high-browed liquor like Maker's Mark to sip on. I want it to be whiskey, but I'm open to suggestions on brands to try. Only the best. It's the 1st round we're talking about. Dinner will most likely be only the manliest of meals: steak and potatoes, or burgers and fries.
Considering I've already disrespected my wife, it will probably be Ramen noodles.
Oh yeah, and I hope we take an offensive player with the 1st pick. We pick #19 and I will watch the entirety of the draft, follow every lead, attempt to enter the brain of the front office and coaching staff who made the selection…but I will still check to make sure we took who I thought we took because I drank too much.
Round 2 and 3: Awwww yes. I already have a vacation day scheduled for that Friday. This gives me the whole day to figure out what I want to eat and drink. It's arguably the hardest decision the Dolphins will have during the draft as well. If we don't take OL in the 1st, do you have take one in the 2nd? Who, out of the overall talent in the entire draft, will fall out of the 1st round? What kind of trades are made? So many contingencies to deal with, and considering the depth of the draft, it's a difficult decision: missing out on a potential 1st rounder who falls into the 2nd SUCKS. Do we go LB, WR, TE, OL, S? CB can even have a case if the "value" is right.
Football? Oops. I forgot this was a FanPost about drinking. Since I have the day off, I'm thinking I go with a "long-term" approach: beer, sans liquor. I have a couple of Great Lakes IPA's identified as the likeliest targets, but draft pundits have mixed feelings about their focus and overall drive to be the best. I'm nervous on which one to pull the trigger on. All things equal, the one with the highest alcohol/volume content will win.
For a main course, I will be engaging in a $5 pizza, equipped with pepperoni and hot sauce. The Vegas odds on whether the pizza or beer will be devoured first is a toss-up.
Round 4 through 7: While with my mom, dad, sister I haven't seen in 6 months, wife, son, and arsenal of well-mannered dogs, I will ignore everyone and watch every draft pick. I'm thinking I should probably be slightly lucid, so I will consider most light/lite beers. Since I can't smoke anymore with everyone around, this will agitate me, and I will probably drink more aggressively than intended. I will consume without regard to food since I am the favorite child and I get whatever I want which inherently involves whatever I want to eat. Naturally, I will eat whatever my mother makes and like it or I will not eat.
So there you have it. Whiskey and manly meal. Good beer and pizza. Light/lite beer and mother's home cooking. Is this my real draft plan or a metaphor of what's to come? Hmmmmmmmm……..