The Dao of Isaac: Miami Dolphins, the Slovenian Language, and Projectile Pooping



As many of you know, I have been expecting a son. Finally, Isaac arrived on Thursday, June 13, at 5:15 a.m., after being 15 days late. It was the best moment of my life, and a sincere thanks to everyone for the warm wishes and congratulations. Wifey and baby are healthy.

Which brings me to projectile pooping. Almost every dad I spoke to, when discussing having a son with them, said something like this, "Make sure you have something in front of his ding-a-ling so you don't get sprayed!" Trusting my wise comrades, I employed a shield technique, using the new diaper to be a barrier and blocking any unwelcome golden showers (aside from Alpha, I'm not sure those are welcomed by many people), while changing the old diaper.

This technique worked magically for the first dozen-or-so diaper changes. And then sh it happened. We had a follow-up appointment with our pediatrician this morning and I was changing his diaper before we had to go. That clever child waited until I had the new diaper hovering over his ding-dong and, pfffffttttt, used the 8-inch window between the diaper and the changing table to launch some stadium mustard all over me. And by stadium mustard, I mean poop. Mind you, I am a good two feet from where the blitzkrieg originated. He was able to soil every article of clothing I had on - except for my Dolphins hat!!! After cleaning everything up and changing my clothes.....yeeeaaaaa....we were about half an hour late.

Rewind one day, and it's Father's Day. The first day we spend at our home, free of the confines of the hospital. My back will never be the same. Anyway, we return to our house and my wife's family comes over to visit. Excited beyond belief, they take Isaac to his room, sit down with him on the chair, and debate which story to read to him first. My wife is 1/2 Slovenian, so a few of the books we have are written in Slovenian. Her sister suggested the first book we read to him be in Slovenian. I was on the computer catching up on minicamp and other Dolphins news, when another explosion of sorts occurred, this time being of the gaseous variety. My wife's sister opened the front cover and was literally about to say the first word, when "FFFAAARRTTTT!" Isaac created a Krakatau with his miniscule butt, how he was able to cause such a ruckus should defy science. It was so startling, not only did I accuse the adults of farting on my newborn child, but it caused my dog to awake from his slumber to ensure everything was OK. When I entered the room, my wife's sisters were crying from laughing so hard, Isaac was asleep, and I smiled with pride. "Damn straight", Isaac must have thought, "I want my first-by-God story read to me in American English!"

Rewind to the day of his birth, and we had just returned to our labor and delivery room with him (I promise this story doesn't deal with poop, farts, or hemorrhoids...although as you can see, I am quite fond of the potty humor). My wife was in labor almost 24 hours and THEN had a C-section, so needless to say she was desperate for some sleep. Isaac was fairly alert and curious at this point, so I was holding him and babbling on about a bunch of random stuff. Then it occurred to me: talk to him about the Dolphins! So like any good Dolphins dad, I began telling him of the 1972 season, the Mark brothers, good ol' Danny boy, Surtain and Madison, Ricky and Ronnie, Zach and Jason, Lousaka Polite and the "Stormin' Mormon" John Beck. After a brief historical introduction, I began listing off the probable opening day starters for the 2013 Miami Dolphins. Isaac cried for one, and only one, Dolphins player. Here is our conversation (me in regular font and Isaac in bold):

Ryan Tannehill. Silence.

Lamar Miller. Silence.

Mike Wallace. Silence.

Brian Hartline. Silence.

Brandon Gibson. Silence.

Dustin Keller. Silence.

Jonathan Martin. Silence.

Richie Incognito. Silence.

Mike Pouncey. Silence.

John Jerry/Nate Garner/Dallas Thomas. Slight stir, but silence.

Tyson Clabo. Silence.

OK, good stuff, he likes the offense. Let's see what he has to say about the defense.

Cameron Wake. Silence.

Paul Soliai. Silence.

Randy Starks. Silence.

Olivier Vernon. Silence.

Philip Wheeler. Silence.

Dannell Ellerbe. Silence.


Brent Grimes. (calms down immediately) Silence.

Richard Marshall/Jamar Taylor. Silence.

Reshad Jones. Silence.

Chris Clemons. Silence.

Perhaps it's the protective father in me, but by God, I think my son is on to something! OK, so the picture up above kind of gave it away. He's a "solid" player, but is there anything to suggest that he will be anything other than that? Now, granted, I've heard good things from OTA's and minicamp about his performance, specifically making plays and creating turnovers. And I honestly don't want to bash the guy because, from all reports, he's a stand-up guy, good in the locker room, and a solid contributor. He won't make the huge play, but he won't make the monumental mistake either. At any rate, my problem is with production. He averages 46 tackles, 1 forced fumble, and 3 sacks per season. He has been slowed the last 2 years with injuries, missing 6 games in the last 2 seasons. We drafted Dion Jordan #3. How long do we give Misi before Jordan steps in? Is Misi's edge-setting so invaluable that someone else can't do it, someone else who might have more skills to get after the passer, intercept passes, and cover a TE in addition? I will have faith in Misi and the coaching staff, but I am looking for the earliest opportunity to get Jordan into a semi-regular rotation. I love the idea of having Vernon, Wake, and Jordan all on the field at the same time, regardless of down. However you slice it, I love the newfound flexibility and variety that Coyle has at his disposal this year. I would love to have the dominating defense of recent memory. And it might be nice to have Misi's run-stuffing when we play Buffalo and the Jets four times a year, who will rely heavily on a running game. I just expect more from Misi. We don't have to settle for "solid" anymore, but I am willing to give Misi the benefit of the doubt for one more year. But I absolutely love the fact that we have Dion Jordan waiting in the wings, and I want him to take over sooner than later.

Your thoughts on Misi? Or projectile pooping?

Take care everyone! Lots of love from the Sutton family!

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Phinsider's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of The Phinsider writers or editors.

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