FanPost

Dolphin Drunk Disease

My name is PhlyPhin747 (fly-fin-747), and I'm a Phin-o-holic.

I went for a job interview that sent me to the doc for a blood screen. After my results came back the doctor looked upon me with sad puppy dog eyes and said "sir, you have an extremely large trace of DDD according to your analysis report." DDD? I asked.

Yes, he retorted. DDD is Dolphin Drunk Disease its brought on by CMP, ICO, UPD, OLW, QTS and DPI. Geez doc, I said, that sounds bad and I don't even know what those acronyms mean. With a big sigh he replied, CMP is Coaching MalPractice, this is when you're dominating on the ground and have a 1 point lead needing to burn some time but you opt not to run. Therefore, your entire series of plays only expires 47 seconds. ICO, he says, Incompetent Coordination of Offense is when you thrash a team in the first half but are not prepared for when they go blitz heavy with swing, draw and screen plays or hot read audibles. UPD, Under Performing Defense, he say is easy to spot, this occurs when your defense on 3rd & 8+ yards has given up 11 first downs, 4 of them to the lowly Bills.

I was really shook by the news as he went on to explain that OLW, Offensive Line Woes is big contributor to QTS, Quarterback Turnover Syndrome. However, he says, there may be some relief shortly for my DPI, Drop Pass-Itis, which occurs when a rich receiver can't catch a cold swimming in the nude, in an Alaskan lake at night in the dead of winter. So hopefully I'll get injection of Hicks or Gordon for that.

With an excruciating pain in the pit of my belly, all I could think of, was to ask; How? How, doc was I to have this dreadful disease and not realize it? The doctor while remaining seated, wheeled his chair closer to me, put his hand gently upon my knee. In a low, soft, monotone whisper he explained that I should have notice some signs and symptoms and to now be on the look out for EBO, RHD, SMF, CCT, NPD and IBS. I became perplexed mired in depression and despair, all my words crumple into a tight lump stuck in my throat.

Finally, after a few moments, he went on to explain EBO is Extremely Blind Optimism, RHD is Ravished Hopes and Dreams, SMF is Severely Misplaced Faith, CCT is Cold Crushed Trust and most of all I should watch out for NPD, Non Playoff Drip.

So, I come to you now Phin Nation and ask that if you are aware of this disease that you post any conditions, signs or symptoms that may aid the research for the cure. Please include, along with the acronym, the explanation of said acronym, your help will be greatly appreciated.

Alas, I slowly rose to my feet, digesting all the information of spoken words and pamphlets. I headed to the door, gathering my thoughts, then it hit me. I turned to the doctor and asked, "doc, isn't IBS an acronym for irritable bowel syndrome?" Yes, he replied, indeed, you are correct! Totally confused, I asked, how can that be? IBS, has nothing to do with football.

The doc leaned back in his 4 wheeled chair with a rye smile on his face and retorted to my quest for knowledge. My team of doctors and I have been searching feverishly and diligently for answers but as of now we found only a few. However what we do know is that if you are not relieved or cured of DDD you future is bleak. Due to your EBO and SMF, in a lot of circles and forums, Dolphin fans will find that they are FOS, Full Of Shit.

Please don't forget to donate your acronyms, thank you.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Phinsider's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of The Phinsider writers or editors.

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