Will You Accept This Rose?

Every Monday night, I am relegated to the computer between the hours of 8-10pm, in order to allow my wife to watch "The Bachelor/Bachelorette". A show, by the way that confirms a few sneaking suspicions I have always had.

1. We, as a civilization, are already well into our rapid, spiraling decline into the depths of hell.

2. Woman are bat-shit crazy. Not some of them. Not half of them. All of them. Period. (But I digress.)

Those of you that are married, or living with anyone possessing the XX chromosome, are probably subject to the same torture,or something very much like it. It's the price we pay for taking hold of the remote control every Sunday during the months of September through January. The priviledge would extend into February, but let's be honest, we are Dolphins fans, so the idea of football in February is as foreign to us as as the idea of wearing underwear is to Snooki. (Another show I loathe, BTW.)

My computer sits only fifteen feet from the TV, so even though I am not watching "The Bachelor" (I swear), I am still painfully aware of the shows inner workings. Basically, it is fifteen desperate (Yet strangely hot) women making fools of themselves in order to be the lone woman standing at the end, presumably to be offered an engagement ring by the lone "Bachelor", who is almost always the biggest Douche Canal you could imagine. (Douche Canal is a term that was just introduced to me, by the way, and I like it. A lot.) I can never help but look at these woman as pathetic, insecure and lonely, and pray that my now three year old daughter has enough self-esteem and integrity to never lower herself to the level of a network television reality star, desperate for the attention of some idiot.

Then something occurred to me this week:

In regards to the Jeff Fisher situation, we (Steven Ross, the team, the fans) have become one of these woman. Desperately vaying (Veying? Vai-ing? V-eye-ing?) for a declaration of love from our "bachelor." And the franchise is coming off every bit as pathetic as any one of those dingbats that line up for roses each week.

Where is the pride? Where is the self-esteem? I know our recent history speaks otherwise, but this is, or at least was, a proud, flagship franchise with a rich history and a devout fan-base, and it makes me sad that we are chasing around a coach with a decent (not great) track record, and competing so feverishly with a team like the St. Louis Rams, who have NEVER been able to find a place to really call home. Is THIS the level we have really sunk to?

We deserve better. This team deserves a coach who would kill for the right to patrol our sidelines, wearing aqua and orange each week. A coach, whether it be a young up-and-comer with passion, or a veteran coach with multiple rings, that wants nothing more than to return THIS franchise to the ranks of the perennially relevant.

And to be honest, I like Jeff Fisher. A week ago, I would have been quite pleased with the hire. Though I like Heather Graham too (restraining order be damned!), but if I ever had the opportunity to ask her out, and her response was "Well, let me see if something better comes along. I'll let you know", I would immediately walk away and try to find someone who was eager to spend time with me. (And Heather is on my three list, so if she said yes, my wife would have to look the other way.)

If I were Ross, I would call Fisher right now, give him my final offer and an hour to get back to me. And if in that hour the phone didn't ring, then I would have my answer, and move on to the next best guy. We are the Miami Dolphins, not the homely chick with the daddy issues and cankles....

Now with that said, I have to be going. I have "Teen Mom" DVR'd and I am dying to find out how the breastfeeding is going.......

UPDATE: Well, now with the announcement of Fisher going to the Rams, which came about eight minutes after I wrote this, my post is COMPLETELY irrelevant, but since you came and read it anyway, I'll throw in a few more thoughts, at no extra cost ...

OK, now we know. I'm the tiniest bit disappointed, but really not that broken up. The problem is now all the other candidates have sort of blended together, and Im not sure which one I would prefer. So now I am just hoping to have this done as quickly as possible, and move forward. I'll leave it to those of you that are better informed to debate who the coach should be......

We all have made a habit of knocking the Ross administration, but I will say this: This was the first time he was able to do anything without it turning into a leak-filled shit show. We have really heard NOTHING over the last few days about negotiations. So at least he is getting incrementally more professional, which is good. And I don't know that I buy into the whole Peterson Vs. Ireland death match thing. It seems a bit over-dramatized to me.....

What if we hired Andrew Luck to be the head coach? Kind of like a Pete Rose player/manager thing. Let's think outside the box, people....

I still kinda wish the Giants had missed the playoffs and fired Tom Coughlin. I think he has done an amazing job up here with that team. Oh well...

And if the NFC West being a weaker division really played a part in Fishers decision, then I am glad he isn't coaching here. The NFL is no place for gutlessness. I'll take the brashness of a Rex Ryan over the cowardice of a Jeff Fisher any day of the week...

I have two kids who mean more to me than I could have ever imagined before they were born. Having said that, does the death of Philbin's son HAVE to mean he can't be a head coach next year? I'm not insensitive to his situation, I just don't know that it is a foregone conclusion that he can't be a head coach with his head in the game eight months from now. And I know there is a lot of work to do now with scouting and free agency, but he wouldnt be solely responsible for that anyway. I dunno, I absolutely could be wrong....

Be prepared: You know damn well that the media is going to spend the next 48 hours killing Ross, Ireland and the whole organization over this Fisher thing. Let's try not to get too upset over it.....