You know who was awesome? Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. You know what isn't awesome? Grief. Let us grieve together.
Week 1: NE 38 MIA 24
Denial: "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Week 2: HOU 23 MIA 13
Anger: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Week 3: CLE 17 MIA 16
Bargaining: "I'll do anything for a few more wins."; "I will give my life savings if..."
Week 4: SD 26 MIA 16
Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "The season will be over soon so what's the point... What's the point?"; "We've lost four straight, why go on?"
Week 5: Bye
Acceptance: "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."; "If we keep losing maybe we'll get the top pick."
Week 6: NYJ 24 MIA 6
Alcoholism: "I haven't been sober since Monday afternoon."; "My clothes are starting to smell."; "I think I threw up on the dog."
The nightmare continues. The Dolphins brought their non-stop assault of hilarious ineffectiveness to Monday Night Football. I watched the entire game. I had hoped for victory, but I was not expecting it. I could have been pleasantly surprised. Instead I am numb.
That's an important difference. Five winless games into the season and I can't stoke the smoldering coals of fan ire enough to get angry about it. I slept like a baby. Food still has its taste.
It's time to put that awfulness behind us, lock the grief up in the same corner of your brain that allows you to continue watching ESPN even though you know the analysts are laughing at you, and look ahead to Sunday, when the Denver Tebows come to South Florida to watch their quarterback have his feet washed at halftime. If the fans in attendance are very lucky he'll save his rushing TD and awkward screen pass that inexplicably goes for 30+ yards for the third quarter. Yes, all of this and more is waiting for you in week seven.
Off-topic: Moammar Khaddafy's dead body is absolutely ghastly. Thanks, Matt Lauer.
The Lucky Six
I suppose you could make a case for there to be more or less teams included here, but I'm lazy and pride myself on doing as little actual work as possible. I did read the wiki for Skeletor this morning, however, so that's something.
And yes, when I say The Lucky Six, I'm talking about Andrew Luck. Stage five was acceptance, people--be about it.
Colts @ Saints: The only way the Colts were winning this game was if Jimmie Graham killed Sean Payton last week. And Drew Brees. And blew up the Superdome. It's only Thursday, he still could, I'm just saying. Not likely. Indianapolis pulls ever closer to warming their bench with Andrew Luck's ass for the next five years.
Chiefs: Bye. And just in time. After the Lions went all Zed-in-the-back-of-a-pawn-shop on them, and only a week after the Bills did the same thing, I've seen steady improvement out of this team. They barely lost to San Diego and barely beat Minnesota and Indianapolis. Playing good teams close and struggling to close out bad ones; the hallmark of terrible franchises. Next week we'll see if they can destroy Al Davis' ghost and further play themselves out of top pick contention. (They can't.)
Packers @ Vikings: Anyone picking games this week will invariably get to this matchup and start chuckling. Just knowing they're playing is like having foreknowledge of a nuclear assault on a developing country. We can only hope Clay Matthews doesn't kill Christian Ponder and he starts to look like the future. I'm supposed to convince you that's more likely than Matthews pinning Ponder's arms while riding him head-first into the turf. We'll see!
Cardinals: Bye. Next week, Ben Roethlisberger invites the Cardinals defense to a bathroom in a Georgia sports bar. Then Ray Lewis and Ed Reed get a pass. Oh God, Cardinals. Oh God.
Broncos @ Dolphins: I've been on the Suck for Luck train so long the conductor let me wear his hat yesterday. And blow the whistle. Do I want the Broncos to win this game? Nope. Do I think they will? I don't know. Probably. I can't help but feel like the only people around the Dolphins organization that continue to care about this season are the fans--and even then, not really. Stephen Ross wants to Suck for Luck. The Dolphins played like the only thing on their minds Monday night was their next hilarious Twitter update.
The saddest part for me wasn't even the loss. It was Tony Sparano's press conference after the game. He just didn't care. After a loss a year ago he'd be so furious I'd have to change the channel and sleep with the bedroom light on. My kids walked in after the Dolphins lost a game last year and I had to spend weeks telling them Coach Sparano wasn't in their closet. I still use it for leverage--you don't like carrots? Well, I hope Coach isn't under your bed when your head hits that pillow tonight. They go full rabbit on those things after that. Carrots are delicious.
If Tony Sparano had an office job this would be the point where the only thing getting him out of bed every morning was the prospect of finishing multiple games of solitaire during his shift. We are firmly in play-solitaire-instead-of-work territory. Let's be honest--there is a dark cloud of intense solitaire play over this whole team and there isn't any reason to think they're suddenly going to flip a switch.
Across the field, everyone in Denver has something to prove. Even if they tank the rest of the season, I believe they want to win this game. Timmy's legs are probably good for 14 points on their own. If the Dolphins play like they did on Monday night, that's 8 more than they need.
So, drink a fancy craft beer and let's all hope someone can at least complete a deep ball to Clyde Gates. It's almost Sunday!