Win a Date with Andrew Luck
by Bread on Oct 17, 2011 10:59 AM EDT
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PrintYou are very ill. The slightest movement signals the confused brain in your skull to shoot pain unending throughout your entire body. There is a noose on the floor beside you. On the table, an uneaten pizza. Empty bottles of malt liquor. A toppled shot glass.
It is Tuesday morning. You try to recall the events of the night before. Terror sets in as the fog clouding your memories begins to fade away. A figure emerges through the haze--Mark Sanchez. His jersey is clean. They never laid a hand on him. He takes a knee with thirty-three seconds left in the 4th quarter. The clock expires. The Jets win. You couldn't be happier.
Your mind is clear, now. You recall hearing Jon Gruden say something about "this guy" and "clutch." It becomes apparent that the scene you now observe is playing on your own flatscreen television. There you are, in your favorite spot on your favorite couch. The image of your remembered self fist pumps as the Miami Dolphins head for the locker room, losers again. Tony Sparano briefly acknowledges Rex Ryan in the middle of the field but you can tell he's distracted. You wonder if he's already figured out what team will hire him as their assistant offensive line coach next year.
You snap back to reality. The Dolphins are 0-5. The Jets are 3-3. Even. They snapped their three game losing streak by laughing our team out of the Meadowlands. Matt Moore was under duress the entire night. Conversely, Sanchez looked exultant, throwing three TDs and zero picks. That's not for a lack of trying. Two balls hit Dolphins' defenders right between the numbers. A third is tipped at the line but the shock of making a play is so severe they let it flutter helplessly to the ground. They celebrate anyway.
You feel like a chump. You didn't exactly root against the Dolphins last night. That's what you keep telling yourself. The 2011 Miami Dolphins are adorable in their helplessness. Around week three, when you realized no force in the galaxy could help a Dolphins QB connect on a deep ball, you just started smiling at the ineptitude. You want to muss up their hair and tap them on the backside. Aw, you big lug. Back to the huddle.
The last time you felt this much guilt your college girlfriend caught you with that cutie you had a crush on in high school. I was just showing her the dorms! Liar. You're surprised how much rooting againt the Dolphins, no, rooting for the Jets feels like cheating. You know the strength to carry on separates the men from the boys. I would let Bart Scott share a romantic evening with my wife if it meant drafting Andrew Luck. I'm not married. But maybe you are. I am married, you think to yourself. I need Bart Scott's number.
It takes all of your courage to pull yourself off the couch and stagger over to the MacBook in the corner of the room with the Dolphins sticker covering the Apple logo. You wish Steve Jobs had invented a way to make Marc Colombo suck less before he died. Now you feel badly for making a joke about Steve Jobs. While clicking your way to NFL.com you come to the conclusion that last night was unquestionably the worst night of your life. John Conner scored a rushing touchdown and you loved it. Nevermind that they call him "The Terminator" in a flashy display of contempt for the fact that John Connor was the leader of the human resistance against the brutality of Skynet's mechanical army of robot soldiers. I digress.
Never again, you tell yourself. 0-5 has to be good enough. The Dolphins can lose well enough on their own without your help. Then, while perusing the weekly standings, it hits you. After keeping it close until the fourth quarter, Pierre Garcon quietly fumbles the Colts to 0-6. Ball game. Elsewhere in the league, Donovan McNabb leads the Vikings to a stunning 4th quarter victory in an alternate universe where teams earn points for stalling drives outside of the red zone. 1-5. Christian Ponder looked sharp. Maybe they don't even want Standford's QB. Maybe. Maybe they do. The Panthers and Rams round out the Voltron of Terrible Football, forming the left arm and right leg, respectively. But they couldn't possibly draft Andrew Luck. Still, you are nervous.
You close the MacBook. The horror of your reality is before you. You know that if you blink it will consume you. The Dolphins must lose, and they need all of us to make it happen. In your head, you've already started allocating funds to purchase a Broncos jersey for week seven.
There is puke in the bucket on the floor to your left. Ignore it. You stagger back to the couch. Muscle memory flips the channel to NFL Network.
You grab a slice of pizza and close your eyes. Tim Tebow drops back to pass ...
This fanpost was written by one of The Phinsider's registered users.
43 comments
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Comments
FIRST
I want to thank the community here at The Phinsider for making my last FanPost, The Miami Dolphins are Horrible (And So Can You!), the 24th most popular FanPost all-time, and only the second FanPost to earn 21 recs in the last year. You guys are stingy with the recs compared to some of the other blogs in the network, so really, I appreciate it.
And I will continue to appreciate it even if all my subsequent FanPosts lead you to chase me out of here with torches.
What a waste of time...
that you would spend all of that creative energy predicting a loss and rooting for our failure. Your first call is as pathetic as your attitude about tonight game. I will not EVER be the type of fan that your are.
"My cats breath smells like cat food" a wise man once said...
My love for THE MIAMI DOLPHINS is unconditional...period!
by Phinphinatic on Oct 17, 2011 11:12 AM EDT reply actions 4 recs
Maybe you should re-read it.
I admire how dead serious you are about a game you aren’t actually playing in, but if you had taken more than a cursory glance at the text you might have noted the humorous tone or been able to appreciate the effort spent examining the mindset of a large part of the Miami Dolphins fanbase. You aren’t the type of person to take everything at face value, are you? No. Couldn’t be.
By all means, hate it as a piece of bad writing, but don’t misinterpret the point. We’re all capable of a high level of reading comprehension here.
by Bread on Oct 17, 2011 11:32 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
shhhhhhhhh
i would rather that poke my eyes out than read that garbage again..
"My cats breath smells like cat food" a wise man once said...
My love for THE MIAMI DOLPHINS is unconditional...period!
by Phinphinatic on Oct 17, 2011 11:36 AM EDT up reply actions 4 recs
I've got just the stick!
wopper "the king" computer
We often look rite past the positive's cuz the negative's-r-so hard they dominate! Have you touched & preened your beaver-pelt yet! Captain beem me abord the luckmobil!
by wild zion beaver on Oct 19, 2011 7:46 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Very well written piece.
I took it as intended (tongue in cheek with a touch of reality), but really don’t care for the content as a whole. I’ve joked with friends about “Suck for Luck” or “Lose for Landry”, but it’s just that… a joke. I really don’t want to see this team waste a whole season.
If we’re going to lose 15 games, so be it. I will not root against the Dolphins, especially against the Jets. I’m not going to get into the real fan debate, but if you are rooting for the Jets tonight, IMO you are not a real Dolphin fan. Go join GGN.
GO PHINS !!!
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm" - Steven Wright
Looking forward to sweeping the Jets this season !!!
by boca_phin_fan on Oct 17, 2011 12:02 PM EDT reply actions 5 recs
2 minutes of my life I'll never get back...
"The more people I meet the more I like my dog."
Winner of The Davone Bess Little Guy Award, 2010
Co-Captain of Team Lindley
by Kdog92 on Oct 17, 2011 12:31 PM EDT reply actions 2 recs
Oh, and one more thing
You should have finished up this way:
Tim Tebow drops back to pass … and is met with a Cam Wake helmet to the kidneys…
Illegal hit you say?? I say $15,000 well spent Cam!
GO PHINS !!!
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm" - Steven Wright
Looking forward to sweeping the Jets this season !!!
Yeah... that really would be a dream.
'Phins phor Liphe!
Draft The Newtron Bomb!
Sign Ortonimus Prime!
You stated...
I admire how dead serious you are about a game you aren’t actually playing in
… I say, what fan isn’t? I am surprised by how many people rec your last post, and i am excited about how many fans have expressed displeasure with this one. Go Phins! Beat those Jets!
"My cats breath smells like cat food" a wise man once said...
My love for THE MIAMI DOLPHINS is unconditional...period!
by Phinphinatic on Oct 17, 2011 12:51 PM EDT reply actions 2 recs
REC !
…“You’re surprised how much rooting againt the Dolphins, no, rooting for the Jets feels like cheating.”
He was trying to use a little sarcasm people…He is saying that none of us want to root against the fins – but that MOST of us know how badly we need a FRANCHISE QB….I have bee a real fan for over 40 years now…and this is the worst shape we have ever been in, thanks to Jeff, bill and Tony. The players have already quit on this team…we really have enough talent to win a few games easily…yet we are 0-4….and we will be horrible until we get a franchise QB – and this year we again have a chance to get a couple…ANDREW LUCK is going to be a great one…landry Jones will be very goo too…. I am not Rooting for us to lose – but I won’t be mad b/c there is light…if we finally get a QB.
I thik that’s the point of this article…. and he has the right to post his opinions…just like you do.
41 Year FIN FAN
Franchise QB... NOW !!! ...Draft Ryan Mallett ...Draft some Freakin speed for a change. WR & RB speed kills......
The trifecta as they are known!
wopper "the king" computer
We often look rite past the positive's cuz the negative's-r-so hard they dominate! Have you touched & preened your beaver-pelt yet! Captain beem me abord the luckmobil!
by wild zion beaver on Oct 19, 2011 7:43 PM EDT up reply actions
The Best Way To VOICE Your Disapproval is With Silence. Don't like it? Then don't comment.
Bread you are a helluva writer. This is more of a Pre-Mortem post.
The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.
Winston Churchill
Hope and Change----With the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft The Miami Dolphins select Andrew Luck, QB Stanford
that's like telling us we can't breath
if he can’t handle the disapproval…then boo-hoo
"The more people I meet the more I like my dog."
Winner of The Davone Bess Little Guy Award, 2010
Co-Captain of Team Lindley
by Kdog92 on Oct 17, 2011 2:27 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Exactly
You have the right to throw what you want out there, and I have the right to take a steaming dump all over it.
Did my best, good luck Sparano, good luck Henne, looks like ch-ch-ch-changes.....
lol...
"The more people I meet the more I like my dog."
Winner of The Davone Bess Little Guy Award, 2010
Co-Captain of Team Lindley
I liked the piece,
but your comment makes no sense :P
'Phins phor Liphe!
Draft The Newtron Bomb!
Sign Ortonimus Prime!
Everyone take a deep breath...
Never suck for Luck! Beg, borrow, steal, kill or sell the farm! Just get him!
Just don't SUCK for anyone or anything!
"On my signal...UNLEASH HELL!" Gladiator
"OFFICIAL SERGEANT MAJOR OF THE ANDREW LUCK FLEET"
Live with NO REGRETS!
by i bleed for phins...no really! on Oct 17, 2011 2:38 PM EDT reply actions
Lol, great post.
Funny and great writing.
Ignore most of the homers here. They just all spam the same line all the time like bleating sheep; the most recent one has been “you cant root for your team to lose” before that it was the “CLS” nonsense. They cant appreciate a more nuanced joke/satire/observation like this one. Don’t try to pander to anyone and keep up your voice.
Landry Jonesing
Jared Allen has nightmares of Jake Long.
Ph.D. in Applied Jest Statistics.
by Phinatics on Oct 17, 2011 2:56 PM EDT reply actions 2 recs
Are you seriously saying that "you can't root for your team to lose" is SPAM?
I thought actually ROOTING FOR YOUR TEAM TO LOSE was fan treason, but then again if you thought this was actually funny or creative…………………
Did my best, good luck Sparano, good luck Henne, looks like ch-ch-ch-changes.....
by Red Dog on Oct 17, 2011 5:29 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
lol just proves my point
Im not rooting for the Dolphins to lose, but they seem to be doing a good job of it regardless. Yes, when everyone is trumpeting “you can’t root for your team to lose” in some attempt to make themselves feel better, it is spamming some strange pedagogically indoctrinated collective mind on this site. I just don’t judge how others express themselves as fans, just because someone says Suck for Luck it doesn’t make them any less of a Dolphins fan.
I want this team to win and in order to win sometimes you have to lose. Just think in business, sometimes you have to make a big investment or take a large loss in order to prosper in the future. I would rather have one abysmal year in order to have a chance for great success in the future than to keep lingering in mediocrity for another decade.
I’m so sorry I found this post funny. Apparently I am so intellectually inferior to you and the rest of the homers that I cannot appreciate this bit of satire. The whole old guard is problem on this site, people crucify others for having a different opinion. God forbid someone thinks a bit differently, we may actually have some thinking going on.
Landry Jonesing
Jared Allen has nightmares of Jake Long.
Ph.D. in Applied Jest Statistics.
They don't get get it brother and they never will.
The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.
Winston Churchill
Hope and Change----With the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft The Miami Dolphins select Andrew Luck, QB Stanford
by FinFanFromCA on Oct 18, 2011 12:05 PM EDT up reply actions
Amen....
I agree, I wish I had the time to write posts on any website like this one. Literary creativity has so little value in today’s world with everything being flashed in front of your eyes. It is nice to see people take the time out of their day to do something out of the text/blog box and show some prowess when it comes to our favorite team in the literary sense. Where as OFF4L does it with pictures, it is delightful to see stories unfold in text as well. Wins or losses mean very little to our day to day lives as it is unlikely that it affects your finances or day to day survival. If the Dolphins cost you your mortgage or anything else, I apologize!
To cheer for the team to lose seems silly, but to know that if they try their best and lose all 16 games, or at least enough to get the first pick, there should be no harm or foul on fans enjoying it with satire along the way. So long as the one thing we all agree on comes true, that the team is better for it come the next season…
It's not the "old guard"
that’s a problem. Most of the problem homers only really started posting a lot this year.
'Phins phor Liphe!
Draft The Newtron Bomb!
Sign Ortonimus Prime!
This x1000
It’s nice to see some clever, intelligent writing around these parts. Please continue to make these posts and ignore the lemmings on whom the humor is lost.
This would make a good
Twilight Zone episode. Our worst nightmare comes true. Then, after realizing it was only a dream … It starts to play out all over again … Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo …
i enjoyed it
And I will be at the game cheering for the phins.
"The first thing I do when I get out of bed and feel the jolt in my knees is think of Roy Winston. On the second step, my calcified Adam's apple starts bobbing, and I think of Carl Eller. A few more steps in the dark and it's Willie Lanier. By the time I get to the bathroom, I'm flashing back to Dick Butkus and Ray Nitschke. And when the light finally comes on, I just hope that somewhere in the darkness they're thinking of me, too" - Larry Csonka.
He played before my time but one of the toughest SOBs to ever play!
by Strange on Oct 17, 2011 3:23 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
i enjoyed it
And I will be at the game cheering for the phins.
My favorite part was the feeling bad about Steve Jobs line. Just thinking about Bart Scott and my wife makes me want to kill you, but take that as a compliment for a succesful use of imagery.
"The first thing I do when I get out of bed and feel the jolt in my knees is think of Roy Winston. On the second step, my calcified Adam's apple starts bobbing, and I think of Carl Eller. A few more steps in the dark and it's Willie Lanier. By the time I get to the bathroom, I'm flashing back to Dick Butkus and Ray Nitschke. And when the light finally comes on, I just hope that somewhere in the darkness they're thinking of me, too" - Larry Csonka.
He played before my time but one of the toughest SOBs to ever play!
by Strange on Oct 17, 2011 3:24 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
i didnt mind the read,not my style of thought, but a bit surprised people hammered you about it...
I think I’m gonna pinch the tip of my dick til the game is on now….
"We, the unwilling,led by the unknowing,are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much,for so long,with so little,we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
www.zerothirteen.com
lol
Never suck for Luck! Beg, borrow, steal, kill or sell the farm! Just get him!
Just don't SUCK for anyone or anything!
"On my signal...UNLEASH HELL!" Gladiator
"OFFICIAL SERGEANT MAJOR OF THE ANDREW LUCK FLEET"
Live with NO REGRETS!
by i bleed for phins...no really! on Oct 17, 2011 7:49 PM EDT up reply actions
outchy!
wopper "the king" computer
We often look rite past the positive's cuz the negative's-r-so hard they dominate! Have you touched & preened your beaver-pelt yet! Captain beem me abord the luckmobil!
by wild zion beaver on Oct 19, 2011 7:44 PM EDT up reply actions
Everyone needs to take a Chill Pill. We all want the Phins to win every single week.
I hate when we lose more than anything else. It ruins my week. But at the same time I’m not going to lie and say I’m not looking at other teams’ records. If we suck, I’m very deep down hoping we suck enough to get the best QB prospect in the draft in years.
This was some great writing. No one can dispute that. Everyone is a different kind of fan. Let’s not flame the guy for voicing his opinion. Because believe it or not this is a valid mindset.
Do we want to give a up a few wins in a possibly lost season in order to obtain a player that will possibly yield us MANY MANY more wins? Or do we want to continue havein 5-11, 6-10, 7-9 seasons for the next five years? I wan’t neither. I want to win the Super Bowl now, every year, but realistically we are not the Green Bay Packers caliber right now.
So don’t torch this guy and make fun of him or call him out just for writing a quality post. At least he’s voicing an opinion. And if you read it closely enough you’ll find a lot of sarcastic humor, and if your reading comprehension skills are high enough you might even find that this person does not WANT this to happen to the Phins, but because it is he is faced with a mental dilemma that he is fighting against.
Respect all fans guys, even if their opinions are different than yours.
Daily Phinsider reader since its creation.
Henne Beleiver '12
by Rytackle on Oct 17, 2011 7:50 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
actually...
if you read his previous post…the one he patted himself on the back for that was equally as terrible as this one, you will find that he is on the suck for luck bandwagon like many of the other quitter fans on this site. If he has a right to say what he wants, we have the right to call him out.
Many of us on this site are tired of the these “suck for luckers” posting every week about how they have given up on this team. We get it, you quit before the end so you dont get so butt hurt at the end. Whatever, I prefer sink with the ship because i believe that it is the honorable thing to do as a fan.
"My cats breath smells like cat food" a wise man once said...
My love for THE MIAMI DOLPHINS is unconditional...period!
by Phinphinatic on Oct 18, 2011 10:43 AM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
Did you watch the game last night? This team has quit on us...very sad.
Never suck for Luck! Beg, borrow, steal, kill or sell the farm! Just get him!
Just don't SUCK for anyone or anything!
"On my signal...UNLEASH HELL!" Gladiator
"OFFICIAL SERGEANT MAJOR OF THE ANDREW LUCK FLEET"
Live with NO REGRETS!
by i bleed for phins...no really! on Oct 18, 2011 11:35 AM EDT up reply actions
Thank God we have fans like you.
These players get paid a lot of money. More than any of us will make in a life time. If you want to call us quitters than that is your right. Realize that our team has quit on us and maybe you should be pissed at them and not us.
The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.
Winston Churchill
Hope and Change----With the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft The Miami Dolphins select Andrew Luck, QB Stanford
by FinFanFromCA on Oct 18, 2011 12:24 PM EDT up reply actions
i am not pissed at anyone...
just tired of hearing about how people here think we are actually going to get Luck. Its not going to happen. We will win games this year and whoever has the first pick will either trade it away or take Luck. I choose to focus on winning games and improving the TALENT we have right now and moving forward. Our players have lost the ability to be coached by Sparano and Nolan…they both need to go. With the right people motivating these players and fans showing up for games and cheering like fucking crazy, we could turn this thing around.
"My cats breath smells like cat food" a wise man once said...
My love for THE MIAMI DOLPHINS is unconditional...period!
by Phinphinatic on Oct 18, 2011 1:55 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Again, "Did you watch the game last night? This team has quit on us...very sad."
No amount of “cheering” is gonna change that…sorry man, offseason overhaul is the only cure for this team.
Never suck for Luck! Beg, borrow, steal, kill or sell the farm! Just get him!
Just don't SUCK for anyone or anything!
"On my signal...UNLEASH HELL!" Gladiator
"OFFICIAL SERGEANT MAJOR OF THE ANDREW LUCK FLEET"
Live with NO REGRETS!
by i bleed for phins...no really! on Oct 18, 2011 2:05 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
i agree with that totally,
and i will be as happy as any other to discuss that when this season is over. Until then i will root for wins even if it means we dont get the 1st draft pick.
"My cats breath smells like cat food" a wise man once said...
My love for THE MIAMI DOLPHINS is unconditional...period!
by Phinphinatic on Oct 18, 2011 3:33 PM EDT up reply actions
It's not going to happen?
We are the worst team in the league. Have you looked at power rankings lately? EVEN THE RANKINGS ON THIS SITE HAVE MIAMI AT 32. Good God.
'Phins phor Liphe!
Draft The Newtron Bomb!
Sign Ortonimus Prime!
His last post was equally as brilliant.
'Phins phor Liphe!
Draft The Newtron Bomb!
Sign Ortonimus Prime!
I thought it was good...
Tracking the Fins from Rio de Janeiro, the "Cidade Maravilhosa"
Rio, proud host of the 2016 Olympic Games
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