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The Sparanos

Season 3 epidode 17: They Call me Mister Phish.


Sunday, Jan 3, 2011

 The following program contains scenes of violence, adult language and ineptitude.


Rossi Wiretap Transcript

The following is a transcript from a series of Federal Wiretaps.


Voice 1:           (recording) You have reached the offices of  Really, Cheatum and Howe. Normal office hours are Monday at Friday 10 am to 3 pm. Please dial 411 for our company directory.

Voice 2:           &^%$&#!



Voice 1:           This better be good I’m three over heading into 13.

Voice 2:           Sydney? What the %&#@ am I paying you for? Golfing? On Sunday? Is this what my retainer buys me?

Voice 1:           Hello Stephen…

Voice2:            Sydney! What the %&#@ing %&#@!? I told you never to use names on the %&# cel, the Feds are everywhere.

Voice 1:           Sorry St….ah Mr Phish…how can I help you…on a Sunday?

Voice 2:           I swear to Gad Sydney I’ll come over there and bury that %&#@ing phone in your %&#@ head next time...It’s Tony.

Voice 1:           What about him?

Voice 2:           He’s not delivering. He keeps promising a big score and he keeps booting the deal. I want him wacked.

Voice 1:           As your attorney Mr. Phish  would strongly advise against such a course of action, which if it were to happen I would have to disavow any prior knowledge of in as much as said action wear ever to become the subject of federal, state or local investigations.

Voice 2:           What?

Voice 1:           I wouldn’t do that.

Voice 2:           Why the %&#@ not?

Voice 1:           Who would run the Miami operation if you did? Do you have a replacement lined up?

Voice 2:           No…dammit… that’s a good point. First I gotta find another capo.

Voice 1:           If you do,  as your attorney, I still must caution you against…

Voice 2:           You say one more word to me Sydney and I’ll stab you through the heart with a %&#@ing pencil.





Voice 1:           Patty O’Furniture. Top of the morning to you.

Voice 2:           Hey Moron number 1. Can the Irish accent. You sound like a leprechaun on crack.

Voice 1:           Oh, Mr Rossi it’s you.  How can I help to you sir?

Voice 2:           Who? Who do you think you’re talking to?

Voice 1:           Ahh Mr Phish, Mr Phish.

Voice 2:           Right..don’t forget that..It’s Moron number 2. He’s not scoring. I want to replace him.

Voice 1:           Really sir? Do we have to? Tony’s the capo we need. Remember 2008? He’s just had two slow years. He’s always been the best capo for the Miami area.

Voice 2:           You’re not listening numbnuts. Give me the names of some guys with more juice or you’re going to be part of the foundation of the next theme park I build.

Voice 1:           *Gack*

Voice 2:           What?

Voice 1:           Sorry, I have the flu…you’re asking me to stab a paisan *rrr rGruuden – hack*  in the back. Tony and I go way back, to the Dallas family *nnnnn – Cowhherrr  - cough, cough*  There’s no way I could just betray *Harrrrrbaaaaghhhh- hack, hack, spit* him,  he’s like a brother to me.

Voice 2:           A brother? It’s not about who’s your brother, it’s about who’s your daddy? I’m flying to the west coast tomorrow, you're either on the plane or going home in the trunks of 10 different cars. We’re gonna find a new capo and then Moron number 2 will be chum.



Voice 1:           Chuckies!

Voice 2:           Ahhh sorry I was looking for Jon Gruden.

Voice 1:           Davis! Is that you, you tied old %&#@? You thought you %&#@’d me but I %&#@’d you didn’t I? You %&#@ing %&#!

Voice 2:           Ahh no. I'm not into speed. But I am a big fan and I happen to be person of some influence in the Miami area. We might have an opening that would suit your particular talents.

Voice 1:           Miami? Too %&#@ing close to Tampa man. Can’t do it…too much blood in the water down there already man. I got a great gig where I am. %&#@ I only work one night a week.




Voice 1:           Faggeddaboudit.

Voice 2:           But….you don’t know who I am or what I want.

Voice 1:           Sure I do.  I talk to Marino every day. Call display. Ciao



Voice 1:           Phil McCrackin’s! Deposits or  Withdrawls?

Voice2:            I’m gonna withdraw your %&#@ing brain through your ear with a straw if you don’t quit that.

Voice 1:           Sorry Mr Rrr..ah Phish…I managed to clean up that personal loan matter…how’d it go with you?

Voice 2:           He %&#@ing turned me down. %&#@ing College %&#@! He turned me down! He’s staying with the Frisco family…used me to lever a promotion…I otta blowtorch his smug little ass, the arrogant little %&#@sucking %&#@.

Voice 1:           You want me to whack him off?

(10 seconds of silence)

Voice 1:           Boss? Mr Phish? You want me to have him wacked?

Voice 2:           Huh? No…(mutters) Jesus, thought you went brokeback on me there for a second.

Voice 1:           I can call Phil Jackson, he doesn’t live far from here.

Voice 2:           No, we can’t afford to start a war. These west coast guys got no honor. It wasn’t like this when Carmine or DeBartalo ran things here. Back then things were civilized. You’d whack one of theirs, they’d whack one of yours…now you lose whole %&#@ing crews because some guy says something stoopid on Twitter. %&#@ it. Let’s go home.

Voice 1:           What about Tony?

Voice 2:           What about him? I own his ass. He’ll do what I say and like it.



Voice 1:           Badda Bing Club!

Voice 2:           Ya, get me Tony.

Voice 1:           Sure.

(music, glasses clinking, general conversation. Sound of a chainsaw in the background)

Voice 3:           Hold him there, I’ll be right back. What?

Voice 2:           Hey Paisan!

Voice 3:           Don’t you paisan me you %&#@ing %&#@! I know what you bin doing. You and Mr Phish been looking for my replacement.

Voice2:            Tony, Tony, Tony what gave you that idea? We just flew out west to look into some real estate.

Voice 3:           Don’t give me that. I seen you on MFL (Mafia Family League) Network. He might be capo de tutti capi but he don’ know squat about how to run the business.  Everybody knows what he’s doing. I got calls from Armando, Orlando, Prisco, Fiore, the phone hasn’t stopped. On top of that, this is totally deballin me…I got street players %&#@ing calling me out on twitter. Ricky, Bmarsh and that %&#@ JT I got rid off last year, they’re all yippin me. This is no %&#@ing way to run a business.

Voice 2:           Ya, no worries, it’s all OK  now. I got your back, just like I always have…no ones gonna replace you. You feelin me?

Voice 3:           Ya, I been feeling you alright, you Irish wannabe. I been feeling you right up my back door.

Voice 2:           Seriously Tony, it’s all good, Mr Phish wants you to stay on. You got my word.

Voice 3:           Ya, I got two words for you: Shut the %&#@ up. I know what happened. I’m on the wire. You couldn’t get anyone else to bite could ya? Better the dago you know? Is that it?

Voice 2:           Tony, it’s not like that…you’re made, man, show me some love.

Voice 3:           I’m gonna show a %&#@ of a lot more than that. I want an extension, a promotion and some %&#@ing  control over who we put on the street or I’m gonna do my showing at Federal plaza. And you, you traitorous little %&# are going to get that for me.

Voice 2:           Tony, I don’t know if I can deliver …

Voice 3:           You %&#@ing better. Remember that trip to Indy last year? Remember talking to all those potential players. Remember what you did after you asked that kid if his mom was still a ….

Voice 2:           Hey, no need to go there man…I was just doing what Big Tuna wanted.

Voice 3:           Ya well did he want you and the crack MILF on video? Cause I got lots of that.


Voice 2:           OK, OK, I’ll get it done…but Mr Phish might be a little harder to convince.

Voice 3:           Hah! He’s no problem…he’s so naive…I done my due diligence…I got two years of stuff on him. You tell him I know where all 347 bodies are buried. I know he had 478 at bats he’s had and only 264 of them where quality at bats. I know where he’s hidden all the yardage and I know exactly how much yardage was hidden.


Voice 2:           Alright…you win…I’ll make it happen.

Voice 3:           Another thing. I’m gonna do that dope-smoking-meditating little %&#@ who called me out. I gotta get some of my cred back.  You tell Mr Phish that if he wants more action he’s gonna get more action. Just watch…no more hemming and hawing.

Voice 2:           Sorry what was that last thing?

Voice 3:           I said no more HEMMING..



Voice 1:           Hello?

Voice 2:           Hi Dan.

Voice 1:           Hey Jeff, how’s it goin.

Voice2:            Great. Dan great…ah Dan. I got some bad news…


Fade to black

(The Characters and events depicted above are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or whacked is purely coincidental.)

(No Phish were injured in the making of this production)








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