The Anatomy of the Miami Dolphins


It’s easy to watch a football game and judge a player by what happens throughout the game. But what happens when we break down each position, not normally as we see it, but in a beautifully metaphoric way, in relation to the human body. Well I don’t know the answer to that, but we are about to find out. 


I think it’s fair enough to say that the team as a whole is our “body” and the players and coaches are our “organ systems”. So what shape is our body in right now? And what really are the major problems of our team? 




Coaches- I give our coaches the honor of being the left side of our brain. They are responsible for decision making and keeping everything in working order.


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses:  For the left side of our brain? Previously, with Dan Henning, early onset Alzheimer's at best. But with some new life in the coaching staff, a new offensive scheme and a rewiring of our cerebellum, I like the chances of a speedy recovery.



Quarterback- Our quarterback is the right side of our brain, along with our arm. It’s responsible for the creative decisions and the ability to move the football. 


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses: At times Chad Henne’s decisions on making things happen have been a crazy mutation of brain cells, or a cancer. At other times however, his arm strength has helped us win football games. So how do we treat this? Improve Chad Henne’s ability to make good decisions, maybe get him started on some Sudoku puzzles, and bring in another brain just to make him work harder. 



Running Backs- RBs are the legs of our team. They can supply the team with must needed power, and often, our body crumbles without them. 


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses: The Dolphins legs are worn out. It order to keep our body upright, we need healthy, young legs that will keep this team from falling off balance. Some young guys with speed should do the trick here. We aren’t quite at an amputation severity, but maybe a nice knee replacement will do the trick. 



Wide Receivers and Tight Ends- WRs and TEs are the hands, and opposable thumbs of the Dolphins. Life would be difficult without them, go watch a dog try to pick up a glass of water if you don’t believe me.


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses: The hands, when scrap free, are a strong point for the Dolphins. Sure maybe a little speed could be added here to help out our previously stated “arm” but to me, it’s nothing that a little lotion can’t fix. 





Offensive Line: The Heart and Lungs. Everything in this body must go through it, and without it, quite frankly, we’re dead. 


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses: The Dolphins are about as close to a heart attack as one body can come. I’d say the arteries are about 90% blocked, and even though our mitral valve may be strong (Jake Long), certainly the tricuspid valve and inferior vena cava are nearly nonfunctional. We may have a 60 year old smoker on our hands. All of the previously stated regions can’t work without it, no matter how much you wanna hate on the brain. 



Defense: The immune system. These guys will fight there little nucleuses off in order to protect the body from a breach. 


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses: The immune system is strong, very strong, and young for that matter. It has years of promise and greatness in store for it, and i’m going to leave it alone for now, the body has bigger issues.



Kicker/ Punter: The feet. Most people overlook these parts, minus Rex Ryan’s wife. Yeah i went there. 


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses: I like our feet. They are pro bowl quality feet. They kept the Dolphins upright even when everything else was falling apart. Keep the feet I say!



Special Teams: The Liver, Kidneys and Esophagus. We often forget how important these body parts are to our overall system, and often take advantage of them. 


Dr. Cantalupo’s diagnoses: If this was the beginning of the season, I’d say we had an Alcoholic, on dialysis, with acid reflux here, but you know what, AA has made a big difference. The first Patriot game was a wake up call, and i’ve seen steady improvement, keep on track. 



Overall State of the Miami Dolphins Body:


Before you messing around with anything else, get the Heart and Lungs fixed. Although the diagnoses is bleak, having a good diet in the draft can go a long way. This is the #1 issue, because like I said, nothing can work without it. Next, we have to fix the legs. This team needs stability and good Running Backs will provide that. Next, you must address the two areas of the brain. I’d like to see how the right brain can work with a young and exciting left brain, who knows, but in the end, it’s all chemistry. 


I hope you enjoyed this different look, and yes, I did do this instead of my assigned Anatomy Homework. 


One extra note, why hire an OC that produced a worse offense then the one we had before?







This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Phinsider's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of The Phinsider writers or editors.

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