Welcome back friends to "The Weekly Zoologist". For all of you who remember its back and better than ever. For those of you who don't know check out the original goodness here. Now some slight changes have been brought forth to the new edition such as actually having a format and actually having a concise line of thought. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get the first issue out before the Buffalo game; but its totally fine because it would be pointless to compare the two critters and here's why. Obviously a "Bill" is nothing more than a drunk and/or retarded human. A dolphin is automatically better than that because they live in the ocean (which is way more awesome than being drunk and/or retarded). So hope you enjoy and look for more of Vol. 2 throughout the season.
*Editors Note: Each issue of the Weekly Zoologist will feature two facts about our beloved team's mascot and one fact about whatever the hell the other team's mascot may be. Another new addition will be one crazy fact about a random badass animal.
Dolphin Fact of the Week #1: Dolphins evolved from wolves.
Now Im no evolutionist, (far from it actually) but even those guys think that dolphins kick ass. When most people think of the term "evolution" they think of fish growing feet and then slowly crawling onto land. Well dolphins dont give a damn what people think, because they SPRINTED onto land first, got bored, tore off their legs and went back to the dark murky ocean to impose theyre horrifying will on all sealife that oppose them.
An artist's rendering of the "thank you Jesus its dead" Wolfin
Dolphin Fact of the Week #2: Dolphins are apparently armed and really #^@#ing dangerous.
THEY ARE EMPLOYED BY THE MILITARY. Are you? Didn't think so therefore you're automatically not as cool as dolphins (Mosul you are obviously exempt from this judgement. Anyways some time ago the Russians were suspected of training and then selling armed cetaceans to countries in the middle east. Great call there Russies. Im sure the Taliban will look at you fondly WHEN THEY TAKE YOU OVER. And not to be outdone by the Russians (who are basically devious Canadians) good 'ol America saw fit to train and weaponize dolphins as well. Awesome. The only thing more horrifying than a nuclear war? A DOLPHIN WAR.
Opponent Mascot Fail of the Week: A Viking? Really?
This video says it all:
I have it on good authority that the man is indeed a Viking
Random Bad Ass Animal Fact of the Week: Another video that needs no explanation.
Well there you have it guys. Hopefully you will wield your newfound knowledge wisely and impress your friends. Look for Issue 2 next week on dolphins vs jets.
This fanpost was written by one of The Phinsider's registered users.