Christmas in April

I woke up Sunday morning a little confused. That's normal for me and I'm used to it. Still, I slivered my eyes open and looked around. Slats of light and dark from outside painted the room.  The room looked like the same place I crashed in the previous night. That's not always the case if I've been celebrating. Have I been celebrating? No, but I’ve been doing something.  Not sure what it was but not celebrating. Anyway, I was in the same room where I crashed.  That's not much but it was something to grasp onto in my half-awake state.

Still, something was off and I coldn't figure it out. What was it?  Well, the room smelled like dog farts but that is normal. Those little dogs, they can sure put out in their sleep. In fact, my eyes are watering. But not from the dog farts.  OK, yes it is from the dog farts.  But there was also something else...

What was it? I woke up cold. Chilled to the bone. That's normal here in the land of NFL hell (LA). You'd think NFL hell would be warmer. But no, it's not right now. The cold flows down from the mountains every night. Whatever warmth has been accumulated during the day is sucked from your body during the night. It grows very old. I almost miss the intense heat and humidity of summertime Miami. Almost. But it's not the cold. There is also something else.

What was it? Maybe it’s something outside. Out the window I saw the sun had just come up. It still looked the same to my sleep-crusted eyes squinting through the curtains. That's not it, or maybe it is. I dunno. A sound perhaps? A mockingbird outside went through it's oldies - the same songs it heard growing up - finches, jays, hawks. I just wish it knew a Led Zeppelin song or two.

From what I saw everything was normal: There's confusion and cold, farty dogs and avian entertainment. Typical. So what had me all agitated and annoyed that fine morning? Wait, I remembered. [And by wait, I really mean wait. I had just got up and I the first thing on my to-do list was go to the bathroom.... All done, let's continue.]

As I came to grips with the morning I realized it's the draft that had me out of sorts.  First of all, I get so excited about the draft I'm embarrassed to say so to the people around me, the ones who don't "get" the NFL. Geez. Did I actually say, 'Geez'? Yes, Geez. The NFL draft is like...

... the NFL draft is like, well it's like Christmas in April and Santa Tuna is bringing me presents to unwrap. This year Thursday was like the gift you get to open Christmas Eve. Just one, so you open the special one you really want. Friday was like the good gifts you get on Christmas and Saturday's gifts are the ones in the stocking - a bunch of them but probably few keepers. Sunday the UFAs are socks or dollar store gift cards.

It's been a weird draft. First off, after Oakland's first draft pick on Thursday I kept expecting to see an Amber alert for Al Davis. Clearly, he was tied up somewhere and thrown into a closet during the draft so he couldn't pull one of his typical wacky draft picks  ...with the 8th pick in the draft the Raiders select first baseman Fred Jones from Greendale Community College baseball...  No way the Raiders were making competent draft picks will Al on the loose. But that was just one source of confusion.                                

The Dolphins' picks were the main source of my confusion. Thursday, after having to wait a couple of extra hours to open my first gift [I was actually cool with that because it meant I got an extra gift Friday], I unwrapped the first pick and got an Odrick. What's an Odrick and why do I want one? Hey Santa Tuna, where's the NT I asked for? Or a safety? Well, maybe I'd get one later.

Friday morning came and Santa's little helper explained to me I didn't need an NT because I already had one. What I really needed was a DE because I lost one yesterday.  I was skeptical but I trusted Santa's little helper's explanation.  Besides my Odrick was an oversized, strong, high quality captain from the Big 10. He played a bigger position in college - DT - so he will be perfect for his new job. And Santa's minions personally knew him from a week they spent together in Mobile.

Then Santa Tuna brought me an OLB Misi. Who?  Damn, I should have done more research. But I'm OK now with my OLB Misi. Misi is an oversized, strong, high quality captain who played in the same college as last year's 2nd round pick. No, not the little one that, well, let's just say I didn't play with it much. My new OLB was a friend of the other 2nd rounder from out West. Misi also played a bigger position in college - DE and before that DT - so he will be perfect for his new job. And Santa's minions personally knew him from a week they spent together in Mobile.

My second gift on Friday was a left OG Jerry. Who, again? But I'm OK with my left OG Jerry, I'll probably need him real soon. I have a feeling I’m gonna lose one of my OGs any day now.  Jerry is an oversized, strong, high quality captain who played in the SEC. He also played another position in college - right OT and OG - so he will be perfect for his new job. And Santa's minions personally knew him from a week they spent together in Mobile.

Saturday was a pleasant surprise.  My first gift was not a stocking stuffer, but a Christmas day quality present. I got an ILB Edds! I really needed an Edds. Not only can I use him right out the box, but I have a feeling I'll be using him for years to come. But still, who again? Edds is an oversized, strong, high quality captain who played in the Big 10. He also played a another position in college - OLB - so he will be perfect for his new job. And Santa's minions personally knew him from a week they spent together in Mobile.

Then I got a CB that had been broken but Santa Tuna said was just like new. I also got a berserker Safety and a couple others. They say the berserker is Christmas-day quality, but I'll wait and see. All I know is he likes to flatten my friends’ presents.  Then I got some dollar store gift cards and socks, mainly fodder for my other presents, including a couple of NTs.  I'll check them out later. Who knows, one of them may be a keeper.

Today, Monday, I'm no longer confused nor unsure about my presents at all. It's all everybody's been talking about. They’re telling me I got good gifts and have been nice enough to explain why they're durable and maybe useful too. Well, everybody except that one sourpuss. You know, the one that if you don't do what he says then he tells you that you're stupid. But I don't care what junior says, I like my gifts a lot.

Santa Tuna, I'm sorry I was confused and skeptical.  But I never really doubted you, not for a minute, honest. Please don't bring me coal next year. All I know is that now I can't wait to play with my new toys.  I realize they take a lot of assembly and some may not work as advertised, but all in all, I'm real happy.

Wait, wait! I almost forgot to tell you.  Before Christmas in April, Santa Tuna got me a kickass ILB and the most expensive receiver present money can buy. Santa was so excited he told everyone about them as soon as he bought them.  They're the coolest presents this year.


Thanks, Santa Tuna for the bestest Christmas in April yet.