Somewhat Biased Prediction for 2007 Miami Dolphins Season

Hello fellow Dolfans! I recently dug up this comical article I wrote a few years back. It helped me deal with the pain of the 2007 season. It's a bit of a long read but should provide a good laugh especially for Dolphin fans. Some curse words here and there but nothing too raunchy. Hope you enjoy!

Week 1 Miami Dolphins at Washington Redskins

This will be the beginning of The End. The End of the world will begin at the nation's capitol. The IV Horsemen will ascend from Hell only to retreat when they see Miami's unstoppable defense (DolphinD). The game will look more like the first 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan rather than a football game. Once the game is over, the terror alert will be raised to red.

Final Score: Miami 314 Washington 0

Week 2 Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins

This game will be rated M for mature so all you little kids make sure you know the code for your television's Vchip. Every pass thrown to TO will be intercepted for a touchdown. During the ass-stomp-fest, Tony Romo will call 911 for help, but he will fumble the cell phone and be sacked, punched, and urinated on my Jason Taylor. Once the game is over, Cowboy's stadium will be unusable for 50 years due to radiation from the glow of DolphinD.

Final Score: Miami 414 Dallas 0

Week 3 Miami Dolphins at New York Jets

The Miami Dolphins will be blindfolded for this game for fairness as ordered by Roger Goodell. Good call. Chad Pennington will be trauma hawk'd out of the stadium when he gets JACKED UP by Zach Thomas (aka ZACHED UP). The game will be won by the 3rd quarter. Zach Thomas will be given the key to the city. He will then eat it, shit it out, and fling it at Mangini. Marty Booker will piss himself from laughing.

Final Score: Miami 500 New York Jets 0 (ended at 3rd quarter)

Week 4 Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins

This game is going to be sick. Trent Green will be throwing passes that not even SAMSite missles could intercept. Chris Chambers will have the greatest game a wideout has ever had in history. He will get laid by every Oakland Raider cheerleader for the halftime show. JaMarcus Russel will have to ask Jason Taylor for permission before throwing each ball. He will be sacked by Taylor so hard, it will cause a rip in the time space continuum. Taylor will quickly sew it back up since he can do stuff like that.

Final Score: Miami 478 Oakland 0

Week 5 Miami Dolphins at Houston Texans

The Texans will forfeit this game. Very smart.

Week 6 Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns

Ronnie Brown will run for 9000 yards in this game alone. He'll cut through the defense like a chainsaw through hot butter. After the game is over, he will be arrested for raping the Cleveland Browns' defense, but he'll soon escape because he will just bend the metal bars with telepathy. Ronnie Brown will have a warrent for his arrest, but no cop is stupid enough to try to arrest him in fear of getting their shit ruined.

Final Score Miami 712 Cleveland 0

Week 7 New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins

This game will be bloodier than the Battle of Gettysburg. Tom Brady will be shellshocked by DolphinD and will be committed to the Boston Psych Ward. Once the game is over, Wes Welker and Junior Seau will be excecuted for treason. October 21st will become an official holiday for south Florida. Cam Cameron will eat Bill Belichik's soul.

Final Score: Miami 890 New England 0

Week 8 New York Giants vs Miami Dolphins at LONDON'S WEMBLY STADIUM!!!

The first NFL game to be played overseas! What an exciting time. The game will be played by the greatest team in the world (Miami) vs New York. Miami will not use an O-line for this game since they don't need to. Miami's O-line will start their bye week early. Trent Green will laugh at the Giant's attempts to blitz him. He'll throw all of them over his shoulder before connecting with Chris Chambers in the endzone for the 6. They will learn to not blitz him in the second half. Eli will be intercepted 100 times, sacked 200 times, and pissed on 9 times. Archie Manning will disown him and claim Peyton Manning as his only son. Eli will commit suicide 3 months later in a hotel room in Reno, Nevada. After the game, the queen of England will knight every single player, coach, and cheerleader for the Miami Dolphins, then throw a huge party at her palace. Rookie runningback Lorenzo Booker will have too much to drink and will puke on the crown jewels. Marty Booker will piss himself from laughing.

Final Score: Miami 1107 New York Giants 0

BYE WEEK. The Dolphins will spend their bye week in London gambling, binge drinking, screwing cheerleaders, sightseeing, and screwing cheerleaders some more. Sir Jason Taylor will have the first every million-some with 999,999 chicks. Sweet.

Week 10 Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins.

Due to airline difficulties, only Sir Trent Green and Sir Zach Thomas will be able to make it to the game and the rest of the Dolphins will be stuck in London for a few days. No matter. Sir Trent Green will set the new rushing QB single game record at 10,000 yards. He will also pass balls to himself and end up having a QB rating of 450 and 600 receiving yards. Sir Zach Thomas will summon the power of Thor and send Buffalo's offense into the Realm of Dispair. Sickest defense play ever.

Final Score: Miami 779 Buffalo 0

Week 11 Miami Dolphins at Philadelphia Eagles

Every pass McNabb throws will be intercepted by Sir Will Allen and will be returned for a touchdown. McNabb will throw more passes to Dolphins then Sir Trent Green in this game and will win player of the game for the Miami Dolphins. Sir Marty Booker will piss himself from laughing. Sir Cam Cameron will recommend to Sir Marty Booker to start wearing adult diapars.

Final Score: Miami 753 Philadelphia 0

Week 12 Miami Dolphins at Shittsburg Steelers

I hate the Steelers. This will be Miami's highest scoring game of the season. Rottenburger will be sacked so hard that he will lose all memory of his SuperBowl victory. Hines Ward will be knocked all the back to Korea by Sir Yerimiah Bell. The halftime show will kick ass. Jerome Bettis, for his foolish and disrespectful entrance via school bus and dance during last year's week one game against Miami, will be bonded and dragged to the 50 yard line. He will then nailed to a 40ft cross and be crucified and burned alive like that guy from The Hills Have Eyes. The second half will claim the lives of half the Steelers' offense and most of their defense. Three of the Steelers' coaches will have heart attacks and every Rooney's bar will be shut down. A victory for everyone!

Final Score: Miami 18,905 Shittsburg -28

Week 13 New York Jets at Miami Dolphins

To guarantee a victory, Joe Namath will come out of retirement and play for the Jets one last game. He will throw for 25-28 for 315 yards, 35 rushing yards, 5 touchdowns, 0 interceptions and have a QB rating of 158.3. He will then come out of his drunken stuper and realize he's been throwing eggs at the side of a Super WalMart in the nude. Sir Marty Booker will piss his adult daipars from laughing. This game was as embarrasment. All Jets fans will now become Giants fans.

Final Score: Miami 990 New York Jets 0

Week 14 Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills

Since Sir Zach Thomas sent their offense to the Realm of Despair in week 10, the Bills will have to use their 2nd stringers for offense. The Bills coach asks if they can just play flag football instead. DolphinD laughs their asses off. The Dolphins end up scoring all of their points with safeties and let the offense players go home early. Dolphins secure homefield advantage for the playoffs.

Final Score: Miami 300 Buffalo 0

Week 15 Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins

Air McNair will be sacked by Sir Joey Porter running at him at about 74mph. McNair will go flying through the uprights causing the Dolphins to get 3pts. Great job, Porter. Ray Lewis will be bulldozed by Sir Ronnie Brown causing Lewis to be trauma hawk'd out of the stadium. Two trauma hawks in one year. Great job, Dolphins.

Final Score: Miami 687 Baltimore 0

Week 16 Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots

Tom Brady, swearing revenge on Sir Jason Taylor, breaks out of the Boston Psych Ward. He sneaks in Gillette Stadium with a sniper rifle and mounts himself up top in the raptors. Once he has Sir Jason Taylor in his scope, he fires. Sir Jason Taylor puts on sunglasses and dodges the bullet like he's in the matrix or something. Technically he didn't need to dodge it because he's bulletproof, but he thought it would impress the New England cheerleaders. It did. Sir Trent Green throws a football at Brady's head and he plummets to his death. Dolphin fans, watching all this at home, shed tears of joy. Brady tries to say something as he slips into cold death, but Sir Jason Taylor stomps on his head like Edward Norton from American History X. Sweet. Sir Ronnie Brown gets the MVP for this game for being the first running back to break the sound barrier.

Final Score: Miami 1308 New England 0

Week 17 Cincinnati Bengals at Miami Dolphins

Ocho Stinko makes a catch in the endzone and does a stupid dance, only to get flageed and points revoked for the dance and not being able to spell Cincinnati. The next Dolphins score ends in the entire team doing the Thriller dance routine in the endzone. They are awarded double points. Michael Jackson is so pleased by this performance that he decides to go back to being black and making awesome songs. Still hookin up with little boys though ;( oh well. The Dolphins have a perfect season yet again! Terrorism collapses, democracy comes to Cuba and China, and Sir Jason Taylor has the first billion-some with 999,999,999 chicks. Nice.

Final Score: Miami 1,420 Cincinnati 0

See you in the postseason!!