So, I was sitting down one day reading my ESPN Magazine. This issue was "New Year! New Rules!" As we enter the offseason, I thought that it’d be fun to mess around with some of the rules of the NFL. But we’re not just worried about improving the regular pass-interferences or holding calls—we’re doing this Peezy-style. For those of you who don’t what that means, you’re probably not alone.
Today, I’m the Commissioner. Let’s do this.
Let’s start this off with some excitement. I want each game loud and awesomely awesome. I want marching bands. That’s right—like college football but NFL style. Give me all the little Nick Cannon’s and drummer boys in the world and we’re going to form a drum line and band to just dominate Sunday’s. After the Phins score a touchdown, what would you prefer? Jimmy Buffett? Marching band? Or a marching band playing Jimmy Buffet? That’s right, we’re getting jiggy with it Will Smith style, now. A Miami Dolphins cadence is in need. Break out the snare’s Mr. Cannon, this one’s for you.
Now we’re collaborating with some other sports for this next rule. One of the classiest things I have ever seen in sports is from the "original" football. In soccer, each starting member from both teams comes out holding the hand of a child. It is designed to show sportsmanship but also to set a good example for kids. Now, I clearly understand football and soccer are two intensities on two very different levels. It’s like comparing Dave Matthews to a band that is still screaming over a crayon that a kid broke in first grade twenty years later. Two way different approaches and intensities. So hear me out: When the captains meet at center field for the coin toss, they come out with kids. It makes the league look much more friendly and classy. It definitely wouldn’t hurt anyone, and who could really say no to it? It’s a simple rule that makes a nice long-lasting impression on the face of the NFL.
This next rule is probably the smartest rule in the game. It’s just so brilliant. Here it is… if you get into a fight during the game, you just need to be ejected. Most of the time, any flagrant play will result in a rejection. But, let’s be honest here… If you want to fight a guy wearing a helmet and pads, you deserve to be sent off the field. And, no, there shouldn’t be a fine. There should just be some soul-searching and that’ll do, my friends. Seriously, why would you go after a guy protected in pads and a helmet? I’ve seen myself watching football where I just ask myself "why the hell did he just try that?!" I know I’m not the smartest guy on the planet, but I know enough to pick my battles with guys who aren’t protected with gear. If I did, put me in the locker room to think about how stupid I really am (Matt Light?).
Moving on. To fully enhance an entertaining game, let’s throw in a little Arena Football into the mix. Let’s face it, in tough times, a business like the NFL needs to keep fans hungry on Sundays. I don’t mean hungry for a hot dog, either. I’m talking about that appetizing game day environment, a nice late quarter touchdown, and a cherry on top consisting of player interaction. Mmmm… I say, get the media off the field, or at least out from behind the end zone and bring the crowd in. With today’s technology, we should be able to find the pictures we want digitally or something. In Arena Football, the walls are the sidelines. I don’t want the walls representing the sidelines, but I want that crowd IN. Like an NBA game, you see LeBron or D-Wade courtside talking to some celebrity like Little Nicky or Justin Timberlake (not much of a difference) on timeouts or dead balls. Let’s match that in the NFL. Let’s create something where Chad Ochocinco can easily talk to his people after a touchdown, because we all know we miss his celebrations. This rule, by bringing the walls surrounding the field, will let players have fun after a touchdown, without necessarily celebrating. It will just make for awesome seats, a great chance of getting to talk to a professional, and from the business aspect, it will make people want to buy those tickets. The Lambeau Leap will be taken to a new extreme when you can just jump into the crowd not having to fear a wall… like this.
Take it or leave it, but that’s how Peezy would do it as Commish. I’m up for suggestions though, so give me some input below. I want to hear what some of you guys would do as the Big Guy. Enjoy the playoffs and thanks for reading!