If you could pick one day out of the whole year, where you could see Rex Ryan eats his words, what day would it be? Christmas? Father's Day? Nope - for me, it's my birthday. Well it just so happens October 12th, 2009 on Monday Night Football, that dream is going down. The Jets and Phins have a hell of a history on Monday nights, one game we don't talk about. You know the game, I have it blocked out like a drunk hookup with a fat chick myself, so no talking about it in the comments.This year the Miami Dolphins have a chance to give me the best birthday present I have ever received. A follow up kick to the groin after the uppercut we gave them in the Meadowlands last year. Now on to "The Usual Suspects." You know the faces, you know the names, these guys are easy to make fun of.

(  Young Rex Ryan couldn't kick Brandon Fields ass )

  You would think Jets' fans get how this story ends by now - it always ends THIS WAY for their coaches. Every year they proclaim to have a Super Bowl ready team. From this douchapotamus to this bozo - we have sat back and watched their coaches embarrass themselves for decades now - so this is nothing new. That's why them hiring a guy like Rex Ryan makes perfect sense - I almost applaud them for sticking to the script. This is the way the  universe is supposed to be. Everything about the New York Jets is SUPPOSED to be annoying and shockingly douche filled.  The New York Jets are a mix of Steve Spurrier's visor, Nick Saban's tan, and AJ Feeley's spiky hair all balled up into one. At some point you got to just ignore the barking chihuahua puppy, because your not aloud to kick it like you want to. We all want Crowder to rush over to that sideline and make a fancy pretzel out of Rex Ryan - but the correct thing to do is stop paying attention to the annoying little shit because it poses no real threat. The world is a better place when the Jets are douchey and annoying - it's more American than apple pie. Now watch this video of Rex Ryan stepping over someone in a fight.

( Brett Favre after winning the heavyweight " Vaginal Whiney Oldman" title )

  Dude - friggin uncle. I can't take this "As the Brett Favre turns" shit anymore. The man tarnished his legacy many moons ago - now it's just plain sad. What has it been - four offseasons of this now? Brett Favre is starting to remind me of myself trying to quit smoking cigarettes - I'm all talk and don't believe a word I say when I say I'm done.  This song pretty much sums up my feeling on this issue.  Seriously, you're rich, Brett - there are a million things you can do. You're lucky - I'm broke, when I go to find something to do - it normally involves Taco Bell and downloading a movie. This is the Brett Favre I want to remember - that Favre was pretty damn cool. The Packers have had a $20+ million offer on the table, just to show up and sign autographs every once in awhile. I would love to see Brett take that offer, buy 2,000 acres of land, and go to nature humping town with a rifle and fishing pole. I'm truly sick and tired of my NFL news being dominated by this absurd soap opera. Do you really want to hurt Packers fans EVEN MORE? Going to the Vikings is equivalent to Marino going to the Jets for us - it should be illegal. Sometimes in life you got to quit while your ahead, cash-out your winnings. This would be that time Brett. Save yourself any further embarrassment, Favre.

(" Hi, I'm Terell Owens - and I'm here to look at your house.")

  What is this I hear about Terrell Owens not being able to find a house in Buffalo? This has to be some kind of joke, right? I have a feeling this is some played up crap for his reality show he is currently taping. You can't tell me in this real estate market,  where people are begging you to buy their home at half price, Owens can't find a home. We are talking about Buffalo, right? It's not like he wants a house in Laguna Beach - there should be plenty available. Regardless if he can find a home or not - nobody wants to hear you whine about it. God - such a whiny little bitch you are, T.O. Terrell is going to be asked to be a leader in Buffalo, someone who really helps keeps his teammates focused. I totally see Trent Edwards crying in the near future - he looks like a crier. Hey look at it this way, Buffalo Bills fans - at least people outside the AFC East will realize you still have a team next season. As long as they don't tune in for the game in Toronto, that is.

(Tom Brady celebrating being Tom Brady)

  I think it's pretty much a given to say most men over 30 hate this man - I am no exception. I will state, however, that I am totally admitting to being a "playa hater." The guy has had a legendary career, he marries a Victoria Secret model, and he is rich beyond his wildest expectations. Not to mention he's sexy as all get out - to top it all off.  How weird was it watching his knee bend backwards last season? I mean you never wish that on a guy - but then again I kind of got the same feeling I get when I'm turned on. The football God's have a way of telling you "up yours" right when you think your hot shit. That never seemed to happen to Brady - so when it did, it kind of felt like justice served - I won't lie. What's that? You don't believe he taunted the football Gods? You don't believe football Gods exist?  Well below I present you with a video of the exact moment Tom Brady pissed off the "Big Pigskin in the sky".

 
 
  Tom was 18-0 before those comments, 0-1 and a torn up knee since. Creepy, isn't it? I rest my case. So next season when I tell you I sleep naked on Saturday nights, because for some odd perverted reason I believe it pleases the football God's, applaud my dedication.

( Chris Mortensen and Ed Werder just before they took on the Steve Austin and Triple-H )

  Twitter has opened up an entire new universe that we had no idea could exist. The other day I was laying in bed watching Baseball Tonight and I "tweeted" Mortensen "any phins news?". He responded back "Phins news? Having their second straight outstanding offseason in the weight room and practice field." Now tell me any other way, that existed before Twitter, that I could personally lay in bed with Chris Mortensen and talk Phins football? He's blogging about what he's eating in his jammies, I'm blogging about how warm it is in my house, we basically are "sexting." Has anyone else noticed Ed Werder and Chris Mortensen have formed superhero alliance? They have Brett Favre cornered, dude can't even take a dump without these guys reporting it. I like Mortensen, and Werder is hilarious on Reno 911. These guys together form "Mortenwerder" - and nothing gets by a Mortenwerder.

   Random rapid fire in closing:

 - Holy Anthony Armstrong jammies love! I'll temper my excitement until he puts on a cup, but this sounds very interesting. A wideout that has good hands, and runs a 4.3, is always fun to have.

 - Paul Soliai...is it so hard to stay in shape? Really? The millions you make...and the fact that you have nothing  else to do....isnt enough motivation to stay in shape ALL YEAR? Too much to ask, I take it....not like your body is your career or anything.

 - "Douche"....Why is it that no matter who you are that word just seems to come out of your mouth when talking about the Jets or Patriots? Kids - that's why bad words are sometimes ok.....when you really need to describe something perfectly. Really paint a picture....in my research for this article I found out "Douchebags" have vinegar in them.....just thought I would share.

 - Jeff Ireland really should be seen in public without Parcells once or twice...Im starting to think Parcells keep him in a closet.... on a chain..with a spiked collar...and a executioner mask. I can't blame the guy......that's one hell of a gig he's got.

 This week I'll leave you with a recent Ronnie Brown interview...great watch.