The weekend is here, and that means it's time for another ITM. This week, I'm writing you from my cave (bedroom), where I have blocked all sunlight and hooked up 3 TV's for this weekends March Madness. As I post this, my beloved Florida State Seminoles have once again waited until the very end to punch me right in the crotch. The draw of March Madness is the same as the NFL Playoffs - both are one and done. You get into the show and everybody is 0-0. This kind of pressure situation seems to always breed unforgettable moments, as well as introduce us to future stars. Unfortunately, my Seminoles had the same fate as our beloved Dolphins this postseason, one and done. Eh, at least I'm not a Cubs fan right?

(This is what you see right before you get to heaven)

 Mel Kiper Jr. lives for this time of year. April might as well be renamed "Melpril" as far as I'm concerned. I'm a HUGE fan of things that stay constant, and tradition, so Mel Kiper's voice around this time of the year feels a lot like putting up a Christmas tree in preparation of Christmas. Mel Kiper's voice IS THE DRAFT. I don't even like the guy that much, but I just can't deny when I hear his voice - I see Easter bunnies and taste Peeps. In a weird unnatural kind of way, Mel Kiper Jr. reminds me of boobies, because he reminds me of Spring break.  I'll always remember him for his "It's obvious the New York Jets just don't get what the NFL Draft is all about" comment - that was hilarious. It's hard to imagine that he has been on ESPN now for 26 years, or since I was 3. He has his hits (had Jeff George rated 84th when he went 1st overall), and his misses (was a huge supporter of Andre Ware), but that's not the point. Mel Kiper Jr. is the voice of anticipation. Right after they announce your teams pick, it cuts right into the coolest highlights you have ever seen, and if it's a good pick, Mel Kiper Jr.'s voice is like a cigarette after sex. I'm not 100% sure Mel Kiper isn't a robot. I want to throw water on him to make sure.

 (I just got done telling this baby about last season....needless to say, he's happy)

  This baby is somehow related to the "2Michelles," so no I am not classless enough to make fun of a baby. I chose this picture to make a point. If you're a 36 year old man, this is what you looked like the last time the Phins won a Super Bowl. I'm just saying - can we do it right this time PLEASE?! I've NEVER seen a Phins season end with a victory, and to be honest it's tearing the ever loving scrotum off of me year by year. The Florida Marlins (1993) and Miami Heat (1988) didn't even exist for a lot of my childhood, yet they have combined for three championships. What I'm trying to say is this is bologna!! It's time to do this thing right, go get a couple rings, and put the damn Miami Dolphins back on the map, people. The kid in the picture demands a championship before he has to start school. Keep it down while reading the rest of this article - the kid's trying to go to sleep.

(Tom Brady sits when he pees....could I really say anything funnier here?)

  I'm going to miss Matt Cassel, because Tom Brady irritates me to death. Stupid Joe Montana 2.0 - I hate him. It was a lot easier watching the Patriots last year because the "Tom Brady's face" factor wasn't in play. It might even just be the combination of his face next to Belichick's face that infuriates me. I'm not looking forward to #12 jogging 76 yards downfield, just to smack helmets nonchalantly with Randy Moss in the endzone. Tom Brady coming back is going to feel like the first day of school after a loooooong fun summer. In a perfect world where all things make sense, Tom Brady and Alex Rodriguez are gay partners. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I just feel like they are made for each other. You're going down this year, Tom Bundchen! (Article disclaimer....the author does however wish he was Tom Brady's penis).

(That dude goes to the bathroom A LOT....he might want to get that checked out)

  I would like to officially address the rumors that the Buffalo Bills will be any good next season. Contrary to popular belief, adding one Pro-Bowl player does not guarantee success. I have been hearing a whole lot of "Bills have really improved" talk. I say (In a German accent), "Ney!" Correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe their running back could miss 4 games or more. I also do believe their quarterback is Trent Edwards, and I'm not buying it. Bills fans tried to sell us their "the next Tom Brady" kool-aid last season. Adding Terrell Owens should give Buffalo a spark every Sunday I do believe they really missed. Last year, they didn't have that guy to get in people's faces. I think the last guy they had like that was a pre-Injured Takeo Spikes. All Terrell Owens guarantees at this point is ticket sales and headaches, not football victories.

(How the F$&K did we go 11-5?)

(Can you kinda backup?  Honestly......you kind of creep me out)

  Am I the only one that missed the memo on us deciding it was a good idea to make our mascot creepy? It's barely a Dolphin anymore; the fin is all that saves it at this point. I mean, not only does our mascot have legs now, but look at those calves! I went to a Heat game the other night and it was Bernie the Heat's mascot's birthday. All the mascots of all the Florida teams were in on a halftime show, and this mutant is flying through the air dunking. Is our mascot's name still "Snowflake"? That mascot totally doesn't look like a Snowflake anymore - it looks like its name looks should be Igor. Why did we stop putting a live Dolphin in the endzone? Was it those PETA a-holes? That Dolphin was famous! I mean, you star in a movie, you think you're going to hit it big, and the next day they replace you with a 7'9 half-Dolphin half "thing". I say we get back to our roots, and we build a see-through field with Dolphins and sea life swimming underneath. Anything would be better than that walking Dolphin man above.

(I'm glad I won....because this rock plastic surgery would have been a bitch to reverse)

  To all of you at The Phinsider, I thank you. Thank you for enjoying the way I see things. It's an honor be mentioned in the same breath as an all-time great like Matty I (10 ppg high school bball average). LilNicky and Husker - it's a shame you both are so god damn ugly. The rock actually looked better BEFORE they chiseled you in. I want to thank Bud Light for letting me sponsor the above NEW 20,000 oz. bottle. Uhhhhh, I want to say, GatorPhan, you're a good blogger, but the Gators still lick hairy balls. Mosul, congrats on your awards....and for all your tasty "Goo". X-Man, if you're reading this, Brandon London has Matty's phone number if you want it. hahahaha....ok seriously. THANKS AND GO DOLPHINS BABY!

(Music plays as Rzayo24 leaves the room)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyaNlZaVOpc