The Weekly Zoologist

    Whatsup guys, how about those phins of ours going to NY and pimp slapping the jets on their home turf? Ive felt really good about a win before but this one is definitely high on my list now. So anyways, for awhile now Ive been trying to come up with a weekly fanpost that I can do every week, because I love writing and I love the dolphins. So it makes sense that I would want my dream realized. Ive tried all sorts of stuff and then it hit me: I need to do something different; something that'll make people "ooh" and "ahh" and go "you know youre right, that Rex Ryan is just a big tub of blubber who probably watches kids while they sleep". But this idea also has to be my own, and showcase a part of me so to speak. So Ive decided to combine my love of the dolphins with my zoological knowledge and inform you guys each week why our team's namesake is not only better on the field, but also in real life. Before the monday night game a few weeks back I debuted this idea with this post. It went pretty well so Ive decided to do it again. Let me know what ya'll think and enjoy:

The Weekly Zoologist: Why Dolphins Are Better Than Patriots

Now Im sure you're thinking, "Whoa now Enhalen, real life dolphins are awesome but I mean these are patriots were talking about here. I mean where would America, and freedom, and Texas be without them?" Well let me explain; dolphins ARE patriots. So not only are they fucking dolphins, but they are patriots as well. And patriots are well, just patriots. See my point? Now as to why are dolphins patriots? Let me tell you:

Dolphin Heroes

Dolphins have been known to save their own kind and even other water dwelling mammals (because who gives a shit about octopuses) In 1983 at Tokerau Beach in New Zealand a group of pilot whales ran aground during ebb-tide. The locals who lived there came out and did their best to keep the whales alive, sponging their skin and calming them, until the tide came back in. But even then the whales were having trouble getting their fins back under them (get it?). So who would show up and save them? Dolphins obviously. Somehow some that were nearby figured out what was happening. They swam into the shallows, putting themselves at risk, and "herded" the pilot whales out to sea, saving most of the 80 whales. Bad ass right?

Dolphin Heroes 2: Save The Humans

You’ve seen it in Flipper and stories alike: dolphins rescuing humans from drowning or sharks, keeping them safe from harm. But does it really happen?

Hell yeah it does. These are cigar-smoking, gun wielding, certifiable patriotic bad-asses after all.

Several years ago, in the Gulf of Akaba, a British tourist was rescued by three dolphins from sharks. Near the Sinai Peninsula, a ship captain had stopped his boat so several passengers could watch dolphins playing. Three of the passengers decided to swim with them, and one stayed a little longer than the others. To his horror, he was bitten by a shark and more were on the way. Suddenly, three dolphins placed themselves between the tourist and the sharks, smacking the water with tails and flippers, and drove the sharks off so the man could be rescued. Need I say more?

Yes. In 2004, a group of swimmers were confronted by a ten-foot great white shark off the northern coast of new Zealand. A pod of dolphins "herded" them together, circling them until the great white fled. (On a side note the great white apparently shit himself in terror)

Also in the Red Sea, twelve divers who were lost for THIRTEEN AND HALF HOURS were surrounded by dolphins for the entire time, bitching the many sharks that live in the area. When a rescue boat showed up, it appeared that the dolphin pod were showing them where the divers were; they leaped up in the air in front of the rescuers, jumping toward the lost people as if to lead the boat onward, because even when being bad-asses, they still have a cute cred to live up to.

So yeah. Dolphins are pimps. Patriotic pimps no less. Still don't believe me? Watch this clip:

Ummm yeah. Dolphins risking it all for a creature that it can't even have sex (well....procreate with anyway) with? Now THAT'S patriotism my friends.

And if saving humans isnt enough and you want proof of their loyalty to the 'ol red, white, and blue, then see below:

That dolphin loves America. You better hope you do or said Dolphin will probably stab you in the jaw:

The military has wised up and has started to train them so that dolphins can kick even more ass.

And apparently they scare the living hell out of terrorists. Watch out Bin Laden. You better hope you're dead already.

So are dolphins better than patriots? It appears as if the dolphins have indeed surpassed our forefathers on the "cool" scale because lets be honest. Anybody who lets this little dick represent them someday deserves to get docked a fewpoints: