You know - sometimes being sick ain't such a bad thing. Once you get passed the wishing for death thing - it's kind of relaxing. On Sunday I was treated to "Dolphins in bed." Today I'm finding all these channels I never knew existed - like "TVLand" - which is currently running a Married with Children marathon - uh awesome? Kelly Bundy was my kind of chick - classy gal that Kelly. You get to spend quality time with your pets - whom I had pictured talking to each other and cooking while I was gone all day. Not the case - but maybe they just knew I was staying home - I'm on to them. In addition, you get to take lots of NyQuil - and have crazy dreams about Jason Taylor on a unicorn confessing his man-love for you. I was actually carded for NyQuil last night - what kind of party is a NyQuil party? Everyone chugs a bottle and watches half a movie? Point is, being sick sucks - but it has its perks. Such as you get your ITM a day early this week - see Rzayo24 being sick is fun!

   FINALLY!!

OK - now that we have that out of the way - back to your regular scheduled programing.

  Chad "The Robot" Henne did well - for the first time I actually saw things that made me interested in seeing more. I still saw wild throws at times - and HE RUNS SO DAMN SLOW! Overall I thought he showed some moxy - and I love it when i get to use the word moxy. I can tell already he is going to LOVE him some Brain Hartline. Henne to Hartline sounds like some 80's coverband they are a part of. Henne looked like he knew what he wanted to do with the football - something I have yet to see from him in the limited action he had seen. We have to be careful - it was the Buffalo Bills JV secondary he faced after all. I'm not going to sit here and act like I know how to evaluate a quarterback's performance - but what I do know is he didn't do anything to lose the game. You know you want to learn more about the Robot.

  Trent Edwards is HORRIBLE. Oh my God - he is horendous! I have ZERO doubt he used to wear #11 - and the above video has not been doctored. At least in Miami - we know how to cut loose a crappy QB and move onto the next one - in Buffalo they wait YEARS. Holy hoover vacuum of suckage, Trent Edwards blows horsecock. If he was the quarterback of my team - I would light tires on fire and roll them onto the field. I normally don't focus on the other team in my article - but GOOD GOD BUFFALO. I think they found the single quarterback capable of sucking worse than JP Losman. Last year Buffalo fans were riding high when we played them - telling us Trent Edwards is "Tom Brady-ish". Tom Brady's little man scores more than the Buffalo Bills - and when he does it looks A LOT better. 

  Hell to the yes - now THAT is a pass rush. Cameron "Earth-Wake" is what the crap I'm talking about. I said I want more hungry talented ass kickers on this team - and Cameron Wake fits the bill. Every snap he got off the ball like his damn pants were on fire. I have no idea - but for some reason I kept calling him "Chocolate rain" during the game. I just kept going "Earthwake - Chocolate rain on that ass!".What the hell does that even mean? I told you - I'm sick - I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. I always dreamed of having "Terry Tate the office linebacker" on our team - and now we do. JT seemed to feed off him - can you imagine Peezy in on that as well? Yeah - I would say he's active the rest of the year. That's enough "he doesnt play special teams well" talk - our special teams doesn't play special teams well - it's all good. I think after a sack Wake should pretend there's an earthquake going on - all the way back to the huddle - that would be sweet. I compare him to the Steeler's James Harrison - whom they cut three times before he broke out. Both earned their way to playing time - and when they got it they kept it. Let's hope Wake stays hungry - I like him when he's hungry.

  And now the day draws closer - the game we all have circled on our calendars this year. Go ahead - go over and look at that circle around October 12th, 2009 - you got my birthday circled, sucker. In come the all mighty, ever so proven, definitely Super Bowl contender certified, battle tested, totally not a fluke - New York Jets on Monday Night Football. Oh yea - that big tittied blonde of a game fell directly on my birthday. We go in the underdog - we are expected to lose. Just like we were expected to get killed in Foxboro last season. I will be there with a few buddies - and best believe we will head to the Hard Rock afterward in celebration. Well - we are heading there afterward anyway - but the beer will taste better if we win. I would love nothing more than to unleash this smash-mouth running game upon their stinky Jets asses. I don't even want to win by a lot - I would rather slowly torture them 5 yards at a time. God - do I hate the New York Jets. Hey Dan Marino - whats your favorite Jets game memory?

Random possible swine flu infested rapid fire in closing (wear a mask and gloves) :

- "Sanchise" huh? Thank you Darren Sharper - thank you. If I could have been one person yesterday - it would have been Darren Sharper. **High five** #42

-  Matt Millen is everywhere. I tune in for College coverage - Matt Millen. I tune in for NFL coverage - Matt Millen. I go to grab some toilet paper sitting on the can - Matt Millen personally cuts me squares. I reach for the remote in bed - Matt Millen wearing a teddy and a smile hands it to me. I watch the Phins game - Matt Millen?! Note to ESPN. Just because someone gets fired in the NFL - it doesn't mean we need to see them on your channel. I also don't remember giving Matt a key - so we have some things to talk about when I'm done writing.

- No Pat White yesterday. I feel like I met this hot chick online...and all her pictures looked great...but she wasn't the same in person.

- Is there a more useless stat in fantasy football than "Opponents points forced?" What the hell? I noticed that in my standings this week. Talk about something you have no influence on. Some dumbass I played yesterday benched Brady for Campbell - I guess I played great defense!?!?!

- Brett Favre tonight. I don't give a shit. Only because I've already won my matchup this week - so my bye week fill in Favre can break his ankle for all I care. I should have started Henne like my heart wanted me to - but my brain said "Step away from the keyboard - this is for money stupid!"

- Did you EVER in your LIFE think you would see the Dolphins in pink? Man when the NFL wants to get the word out on something - they lay the balls on the table and make sure you cant miss em. Next week some teams will have pink goal posts. PINK....GOAL....POSTS. Its all for a wonderful cause - saving boobies. Who amongst us doesn't want to save boobs? All the straight guys do. All the women do. That leaves gay guys - and I think they're on board, too. I know everyone has seen a gay guy slap a titty to be funny - it's like their signature thing. Everyone loves boobs!! Ask me for a dollar at checkout to "Save the boobs" - see if I can say no.

- When Brandon Fields is making special teams tackles - butts need chewing out. Why can't you be more like Dan Carpenter, special teams - why can't you be more like Dan.

- 4-0 in the Phinsider Survival League...yet if I put money on those games I would most definitely be 0-4....I'm sure of it...That's how betting on football goes for me.

- I thought I saw it wrong - until I saw PTI. Did Vontae REALLY SHUSHHHHHH the home crowd? I thought he did - then I said "Ehh no way...that was a "1"..as in my first INT....But the tape doesn'tt lie....New nickname....Forrest...as in Forrest Gump.

 - Yesterday was the biggest blowout win for the Miami Dolphins in 7 years. It will look like a nice debut for Henne in a few years - but in reality it was our running game "doin' work, son".

  This week I'll leave you with a reminder of what was said in the offseason....the Rex Ryan/Crowder back and forth. Well its time for Channing to back up his big fat mouth - and it's time for a big fat mouth to back the hell up. NEVER FORGET!!