Ladies and gentlemen - I'm glad I am typing this - because I have no voice on this fine Tuesday. My vocal cords feel damaged; my body feels like I played. I'm sitting here home on a "Victory Tuesday" - because I knew I needed to take a few vacation days after that game. I got home at around 1am - and I fell asleep at 6am - laying in bed reliving all the highlights in my head. Instead of having to avoid anything NFL highlight related, I would guess I have now seen the game highlights over 50 times on ESPN. Five fourth quarter lead changes nearly gave me a heart attack - but watching Ronnie dive into my endzone with seconds left gave me an orange orgasm. I won't diddle daddle around here - let's just get this baby rolling - like a Ricky Williams screen.

  Damn it feels good to be a gangsta - my hands are in my pants right now just thinking about last night. We let them talk all season; we just waited quietly. We let them tell us how big their penis was all year - and on Monday night we cut that crap off Lorena Bobbitt style. I hope your cocky asses wrote your name into this year's Super Bowl with a pencil - whoops! Who's house? Our house. Welcome to the Thunder Dome, bitches. In fact - I propose we change the name to "The Thunder Dome." Not only that - I say we keep the "bitches" AND "Welcome" part in the name. That way when biased ass ESPN leads into our MNF game next time, they not only welcome all of America into the Thunder Dome - but they call them a bitch. The Jets brought their own referees. Rex Ryan put his fat hand into a bag-o-tricks on two punts - not enough. Not even Braylon Edwards and his 5-Hour Energy could overcome a hungry Phins team last night. SOMEHOW we overcame Mark Sanchez's 50% passing, 170 yard Joe Namath like night - somehow. I know most of you were not there - but I want you to just imagine the looks on those Jets fans faces walking out of the stadium last night. Cheers of J-E-T-S entering the stadium - were sang by those in orange on the way out. The only difference was that it was the remix - each Dolphin fan's own little personal remix of the chant. On Hispanic Heritage night, I salsa danced my sexy ass all the way into the parking lot. Suckers - serves you right to just blindly trust my linkage. Do you understand where you are right now? My mind! Hungover! DANGER!!!!!

   Hey - pop that coochie, baby! Damn! DAMN! Damn! Damn - Chad Henne has my heart, balls, and phone number if he wants that shit now. Chad Henne throws a frickin' laser! Who is this guy - and where has he been all my life? Every time he completed a pass, I drank. Those were the rules. I was so drunk at one point during the game that I saw 3 number sevens and I half expected quarters to start shooting out of the guy's ass in front of me - but no such luck. That pass to Ted Ginn Jr. needed a damn flight plan. Airplanes at Miami International were being held on the runway to let the UFO pass. Talk about losing your big game virginity in the big-time - Jets Monday Night? That's like getting laid for the first time by a room full of Vivid girls. I got what I have been looking for last night from Chad - that "it" factor. He took "it" and shoved it directly into my eyeballs - then we made out for what seemed like days. Ahhhh - dreamy Chad. It's really a stroke of tremendous good fortune that I can keep the "Property of Chad" tattoo on my lower back - really glad I didn't go with "CP10." The man was ON FIRE using play action - it was magical. Sitting in the endzone watching him and ass-hands (aka Ted Ginn) connect right in front of me was like watching Dan Marino mate in my bed. I, from here on out, roll with Chad Henne. If you dropped his balls into the ocean last night, half of South Beach would be underwater today. Hot damn - we got ourselves a quarterback, Miami - and he throws a football like Ron Jeremy screws.

  Ted Ginn Jr. - welcome back to the party. Where the hell have you been - we sent your ass for beer WEEKS ago. Just when I want to go all "Celtic's Pride" on you before kickoff so I can be spared of your crappiness - you TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF! I was at the game - and even then I couldn't find him on the field until that play - but oh, what a play it was. It was shocking. The whole stadium skipped a split second to ponder WTF they just saw. I'm serious - the place was in a complete state of shock. That play went away from my endzone - so I had to look up at the jumbo-tron to really get a look at the play unfolding. The camera followed Henne's pass all the way into Teddy's hands. A slow motion event in time - and a huge slap in the all world CB Revis's face.  Teddy will most likely return all kickoffs - with Cobbs out for the season now. To me its obvious that Teddy needs to get hit a few times and make a few plays early or he is lost for the game. Teddy returning kicks is going to be fun to watch - if there is one thing he can do well - it's run fast. Welcome back to the damn party, you silly little skinny fast bastard, you - now give me your damn keys so you don't disappear on me again.

  What's wrong, NFL - not what you expected? Thought the Wildcat would be done and gone by now? Thought it had about as much staying power as a glass of milk on the beach? Well milk was a bad choice bitches - our shit ain't going anywhere. Our Wildcat is Coke - every other teams' version is that Ritz shit. Other teams dick around with it - and call it goofy names like "Wild Horses." Call that mess "Unicorns Blowing Midgets" for all I care - it's trademarked in the NFL under "Miami," "Dolphins," and "Your Screwed." How stupid does Jaws look when he calls our games? Keep talking mess, Jaws - Wildcat lover Jon Gruden and his firecrotch will slap his balls against your face at the end of every game. When people ask us to stop running the Wildcat - it's like asking me to stop wiping my ass - NO WAY! With #23 just absolutely killin' it, Ricky playing like he's 22, and this expensive wall of men blocking for him - I thought I told you that we won't stop. Eh-eh-eh-eh.

Random "poppin' bottles, banging models" rapid fire in closing:

- O.M.F.G - did anyone else see Pat White almost step on his own foot and fall down on that last drive? I could taste my balls for that split second. It was hilarious - the entire crowd was waving him to the sidelines after each of his plays. We were like "GET OFF THE FIELD!!!" Did it kind of work? Yes. Was that PatCat glory hole experiment worth it right there? NO! Do it in the second quarter. Do it on the second drive. Do not do it with SECONDS LEFT!!! If he fumbles there, I slam my junk into the arm rest of my seat over and over until I pass out and find the cleanup crew stealing my wallet. No more #6. Ney! Not against the Jets on Monday night - that's getting too cute - and it would be about as cute as a plane crash in the Everglades if he fumbled.

- Question - did TV pickup the 1st penalty where the official said the foul in Spanish? That shit happened - did you guys here it?

- Scalpers need to be tamed at games, man. One of them stabbed someone last night at the game. I don't know any of the details - and I don't care. These guys are running up and down I-95 trying to sell you a ticket. As soon as we got out of the car, they surrounded us - and they act all shitty about it if you say you don't want to pay what they are asking. I didn't need tickets this time - so I just told them get lost and it was easy. I have a little note to scalpers: Hey assholes - try standing next to the line of people looking to buy tickets. Maybe get a real job? Maybe buy up a bunch and sell them on the internet - like humans? I don't want pay full price for a ticket from a guy on a bicycle holding a 40oz. Steel Reserve in a paper bag.

- Three tall Jack & Cokes. $60. The 1.75 liter bottle we had during the tailgate bought from ABC liquor - $35. Do I look like your girlfriend, Land Shark Stadium? Then why did you bend me over all last night?

- More concession problems. Chili-cheese nachos at the stadium taste like Hamster shit that has been stored in a Wolf's pussy. Exactly like that, I would imagine.

- Bonus wolf pussy nachos story. I got them - got to my seat - and tasted the disaster I just spent $8 on. My buddy had been gone for awhile - so I put them in his seat. He got back - gave me his beer to hold while he hopped over the aisle into his seat......ASS FIRST INTO the Wolf pussy nachos. I didn't notice at first - then I heard him say "WTF is that?" He shows me his hand - and it looked like he just took a shit and hand wiped his ass. I was laughing so hard that I almost puked. He had a brown chunky stain in his pants the rest of the game. He didn't want to stand up the rest of the game.

- Just to show Jets fans I laugh not only at them - but with them - I will mention a funny moment after DC$'s field goal last night. After the kick we sang our song - and instead of "And when you say Miami - you're talking Super Bowl," he busted out "and when you say Miami - you're talking field goals." Funny is funny - that shit was funny - I don't care.

- I so wanted JT to come up big last night - so I could use a line I made up drunk. You can't spell J-E-T-S.....without mother bleepin' JT. Ohhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

- I want to publicly embarrass a friend who totally bitched out of the game last night. His name is Denes. He paid for the ticket - and at 6pm decided he had "paperwork to do." He didn't even want his money back - so a friend now named "wolf pussy pants" got to go for free. Let's all take a minute to think about what he did - and how he threw away something you out of staters would blow a bowl of herpes for. Children in Somalia would kill for that ticket, Denes - how dare you!

- And in closing...Eat it Gang Green....eat it. Eat it like a bowl of elephant penis covered in Giraffe shit, you cocky big-mouthed know-it-alls.

Let's close this baby out right - with a little celebration. Thanks for reading!