I wasn't sure how to start off my post this week - I'm so stinkin' confused. I'm honestly not even sure this is real. I feel like I dated a fat chick my whole life, and she went on "The Biggest Loser" and all the sudden I'm dating a super hottie. Then I took that dime-piece to New York, and had her rub it in her ex-boyfriends face. I pretty much feel like that, but this is way better. I have weighed the options, and this Phins season is now ahead of beautiful women - go figure. Don't judge me. Women are everywhere; seasons like this one come around once in a lifetime. Yeah, I probably (er hopefully?) will see 11-5 plenty of more times in my life. But never again in this fashion. Left for dead in the division to most experts in '08, a series of events have unfolded that have written a "Final Destination 7" type script for the other AFC East teams. Pretty much the Jets flushed the toilet, a CP10 trickled down the side, Favre slipped on it and fell down some stairs, ran into Tom Bradys' knee - tearing his ACL, and a division title happened. This 10 sec video right here pretty much sums up all of my emotions.

  When you're talking about Phillip Merling, apparently you're talking about better hands than you'll find in a Japanese massage parlor. His hands lead to a happy ending as well, only this ending is a faceplant on the Jets logo in the endzone. When he caught the ball, I was silent as crap. I had no idea what I was looking at. Highlights from Clemson? Am I having a Tim Bowens flashback? The best part of that play was Favre trying to get near him. He switched hands and just looked at Favre as he knocked himself near unconscious on the cold turf. Then he switched hands back to avoid a Thomas Jones strip! Give that dude #18, he deserves it more than what's his name.

  Look at that smirk - this dude friggin' knows something everyone else doesn't. Tony Sparano is a certified badass. I am now convinced he isn't fat, he just has so much knowledge in his head he needs to store it in his belly. A little known fact about Tony is that he had both legs amputated at birth. From his waist down to his shoes is just testicle he covers with slacks. Was there any doubt this man was going for that 4th down late in the game? He never coached at New Haven, that place doesn't exist. "New Haven" is just on his resume so you don't notice the fine print where it says "Vince Lombardi reincarnated." If Tony Sparano told me that when he took a crap, magically, butterflies and bubbles came out, I'd say "that sounds about right." Nothing bad comes out of this man, NOTHING. If there were Olympic events dedicated to "Leadership" and "Badassness", Micheal Phelps would be shit out of a record.

 Dear Chad Pennington,

   Wow, I have so much to say to you. I'm just writing you to let you know these last few months together have meant so much to me. From the random way you walked into my life, to this past Jets game, you have made me feel so safe and secure in your arms. I know the Jets jaded you, and your going to be more cautious in this relationship, but I swear you can trust me with your heart. Look, I even tattooed "Property of Chaddie" just below my belly button. Too much too soon? I'm sorry - I just needed you to know how much you meant to me. Yesterday in the Meadowlands you looked into the huddle and said "Let's go!"....only I knew that was code for " Rzayo24 is a super cuttie pants". Everytime I open a bill, I hope it's one of your cute little "This games for you" notes you know I cherish so much. Anyway I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you, and umm......I think....I love you.

                                                                    Love, Rzayo24 (wow that was ubber-gay!)

P.S.- Our song is still "Wake me up...before you go-go" by Wham!....yes I remembered...thanks for the CD.

  Oh, you want some Baltimore? Oh, you think you got this?! Bring that rookie quarterback back down to Miami and lets see what's up now, broseph. Cam Cam - fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice....that shit ain't happening, so shut up with that mess. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Ray Lewis. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Terrell "Alien Lips" Suggs. Sunday, 1pm, the Miami Dolphins are taxing that ass. Joey is going to smack around Flacco, and then take his mother out to a real nice seafood dinner. That's right, seafood.....dinner......mother....I said it. Anytown with the worlds most famous cakestore can't be that tough. I see your 2001, and I raise you a 2008. 

  Really, Brett Favre? Really? You wanna go out like that? Oh wait, where was the skipping and "oh my gosh Mom made meatloaf for dinner" happy jump around act Sunday? Where was the running towards the endzone with a finger in the air and a shit eating grin? Where was the "savior" magical Mississippi 10 year old boy in a 39 year olds body commentary from John Madden and Phil Simms? You can't shake hands? Go home - hunt or something. I, for one, do not trust you with a gun around me. 22 times you might hit the deer, 22 times you might hit me, shit if I know. Your annoying and I hope one day you decide to coach, and Tony Romo is a washed up has-been sent to your team. Your own team hates you! I seriously would not even trust you going to the bathroom in my house. For all I know, I'll be cleaning up half of your urine off the walls. 22 touchdowns, 22 interceptions, and a lifetime of laughter at your lowlights this season. Thanks for coming back, Grandpa.

They are saying "Shut the hell up, you douche!" If I see your bald ass sitting on your boyfriends shoulders leading a crowd of Mobil attendants in a chant of "J-E-T-S...JETS! JETS! JETS!" for one more season I might set myself on fire so you have something else to do. Honestly, who made you famous? You have a firefighter hat. You can spell "Jets." That makes you equal to an 11 year old in Jersey playing with his Christmas toys. Blow it out your ass, and have a nice offseason, Edward. Spell this for me....."I am gay".....ok I did it for you. Now go chant it on a hairy dudes shoulders. Maybe you can use your awesome spelling bee talents for good use and teach some of those New York cab drivers how to read. I don't know if you know this or not, but fires still happen on Sundays. What the hell, bro? I love how you quiet the crowd for about 10 seconds, and then have them spell for 3. That's a great strategy - nice job.

Random Championship thoughts in closing:

  If I never hear Phil Simms voice again, it will be too soon. Can someone take a blowtorch to his vocal cords already? I wish I could throw a rock through my TV, and into his face. Trent Dilfer keeps saying Brett Favre is "the best football player to ever play quarterback".....what the hell does that even mean? Are all quarterbacks not football players? Jerkoff. The Joey Haynos project is offically over. 1 catch, and a balls in throat almost fumble. No more. John Denney, your the weakest link, goodbye. You look high, and your snaps are high. Sparano made you shit your pants, and on the last punt you had me shitting mine. I don't like poop in my pants, so you have to go. Ricky, I am gonna go ahead and forget about you dropping the most perfect pass I have ever seen. Ronnie, I am gonna go ahead and forget about you throwing a pass in the shape of an "L." You two knuckleheads are to be perfect, like Chad. Tuna, I don't think you are leaving, but if you do, oh man I feel sorry for you. I'll be stalking you to no end. You will wake up in the morning and "Come back to Miami or else" will be written in lipstick on your mirror. When you get into the shower, I will be standing there smiling. When you get in your car, I will be in the backseat in full Phins pads. When you go to the grocery store, I will be your clerk. When you open your microwave, it will be full of Dolphin fillets. When you make any phone call, it will automatically be routed to my cellphone. When you go to the gym, I will be your personal trainer named "Jake". You get the picture Tuna. DO NOT LEAVE OR ELSE. Tom Brady's knee still hurts? He is rich and marrying Gisselle, let his knee fall off - I don't feel for him. In fact, I hope the inside of his knee grows into a fetus and pops out mid-season next year. Stuff it Tom - thats for running it up on us, you pretty little tighty whitey Calvin Klein model, you.

 "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

  That pretty much sums up last Sunday's game. We just had to sit back and let Brett Favre be Brett Favre. We all knew we would make enough plays to be in the game, thats waht we do. The key this season has been we stay close and let the other team screw it up. Opportunity has knocked on our door in the past, but this season we had Chad right there to open the door when it arrived. I was going to thank all of you, but why? The season isn't over yet. If you don't think the Super Bowl is within reach, then why are you still watching? I will be in the stands Sunday, and I expect to be writing about a victory and a trip to Pittsburg next week come Monday. P-L-A-Y-O-F-F-S!!!