First of all, I hope everyone enjoyed a safe and fun past holiday with their loved ones. This past weekend I traveled to Tallahassee, Florida to watch my Seminoles take on the #2 Gators. By take on, of course, I mean get humiliated in the pouring rain in front of 80,000 poncho wearing liquored up good ol' boys. You really have not hit rock bottom until your ducking underneath a poncho trying to pour Jim Beam out of a Zephyrhills bottle into your 76oz Coca Cola. Especially when the stadium ran out of lids and the ratio of what you are drinking rapidly is turning in favor of rain water. Thankfully Sunday I had the Miami Dolphins win to patch up the holes in my heart that Tim Tebow hammer fisted. I have never seen a team with a better looking 7-5 record. If this 7-5 were a woman, she would be Megan Fox. If you don't know who Megan Fox is, google her, then come back here(3-5 minutes later) and finish reading my article.
Anyone else offically sold on drafting a cornerback early in next years draft? To me, that is what we are lacking most. You can't hide a Joey Thomas. Trying to hide Joey Thomas is like trying to hide Rosie O'Donnell behind a flagpole. We need a shutdown, smack-talking, big cocky (big cocky?) cornerback. I say use both second round picks on big athletic cornerbacks.
Is it me or does Ernest Wilford look like Devone Bess's taller older brother? Both have numbers in the teens. Both have dreads about the same length. Both catch passes....whoops. Two out of three ain't bad. I have an idea (Dr.Evil pinkie to lip); why don't we take Bess's head and hands and put it on Wilford's body? Bess mainly lacks size, so this seems like the only logical solution to this problem. We would have to die the frosted tips on his locks so everyone just thought it was Wilford playing better. The only problem is Bess could never take off his helmet and reveal his true identity. Of course he would have to say he has the same social anxiety disorder Ricky had that caused him to never take off his lid. Far fetched? I hate you Ernest Wilford.
I have stated before that when CP10 walks into a room I hear Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything for Love," but that is neither here nor there. The point is he is a great leader. We have won 3 games (Sea, Oak, St. Louis) against bad teams that could have easily caught us slipping. While the results were very close, a win is a win. Great teams beat the piss out of bad teams. But we are not a great team - we are a good team. So when we win, all is good. A saying I like is "Don't tell me about the labor pains, show me the baby." At the end of the season, show me your record. I don't want to hear excuses about weather or injuries. Like Bill Parcells says, "You are what your record is." Well we ARE 7-5. As I stated above, this is a Megan Fox 7-5, not a Hillary Clinton 7-5. To fully appreciate the ugliness of that 7-5 you will have to picture Hillary naked. I'm sorry.
With my normal 6 hour drive home from Tallahassee having turned into a 10 hour holiday traffic marathon, I decided to look throughout the AM world for the Jets game. Oh I got the game, and a Spanish salsa radio station at the same time. The Spanish music dominated the game 80/20 I would say. But under all the Latin chaos, I could barely make out the announcers voice. This was basically pure torture. At one point I could have sworn I heard them say Brett Favre got picked off by Menudo. The joke would have worked better if I could have thought of one popular Spanish group from the last decade. It did make for excellent "celebrating the Jets losing" music though. When they did not get that last 4th down, I found myself with my hand on my stomach and my hips swirling. Fantasico!!! Me gusta Jets el choko!!
I was watching the games on Thanksgiving, and thought to myself "Man this turkey is making me tired." Then I realized I had not eaten yet. Tt was the crappy football putting me in a coma-like state. The NBA gives us Kobe vs. Shaq, Lebron vs. Wade, Garnett vs. Duncan, but the NFL gives us 0-11 vs. 10-1. How do Lions fans watch that team? Culpepper has the fattest ass of all-time. He looks like his leg hurts because he ate it. Apparently Culpepper is not only his own agent, but he is also his own personal trainer. Every time I see Culpepper play, I want to kidnap Drew Brees and dress him in aqua and orange clothes until the police arrive. Stupid Nick Saban! Nick Saban, a blow torch,a hula-hoop, and me in a cold dark room alone. Name your price, if you make that happen. Don't ask me what the hula-hoop is for, you don't wanna know. The blow torch is just to light my cigar afterwards. If you didn't see the warning signs when you entered my mind then that is your fault - sorry.
Special thanks goes out to Eric Moulds(ex-Bills WR) for punching an Iraq War Vet in the face for asking for his autograph - real cool dude. Unless he was "dropping a Deuce McAllister" at the time, that is just unacceptable. Someone just wants your name on something they own. If they come at it respectfully, sign the damn napkin and get back to drinking away your unsigned sorrows. I think his punishment should be he gets deployed to Iraq, without a gun. Naked. With the words "USA RULES/IRAQ DROOLS" painted on his back. Filthy autograph seeking soldier puncher.
If Parcells took a dump, and a football player formed from his feces, that player would be Patrick Cobbs. Please, like the thought never crossed your mind. All I am trying to say is that Patrick Cobbs looks so much like a Bill Parcells guy, I am beginning to wonder if Bill Parcells himself birthed him from his anus. Once again, this is my mind,at least you get to leave.
Random Rapid Fire in closing:
I want my coffee from wherever Tony Sparano gets his. He says he watched the game film five times before Monday morning. I don't even have time to watch SportsCenter highlights before I leave for work Monday. Justin Smiley broke his leg. When athletes break their legs, they sure do stay pretty calm, don't they? If I ever break my leg you can bet the house that I will sob like a little girl until someone calls my mommy. Nice job by Plaxico Burress over the weekend. He accidentally shot himself in the thigh at a club. If I had brought a loaded gun to the club during college, I might have 5 assholes right now. Sparano gets so pissed when we get a penalty, sometimes I fear the dreaded "shart." He is really putting a lot of pressure on his colon when he turns red like that. It is true Jesus was a Carpenter - Dan Carpenter's father that is. DC$ could knock a chili dog from a fans hands in 431. Dude is accurate.
"You have to believe, deep down in your heart, that your destined to do great things."
-- Joe Paterno
If you don't believe in yourself, how do you expect others to? Catch lightning in a bottle and run with it Miami. Something happened to this team, and that something smells like fish. 5 of 6 wins, 7-5 record, AFC East title a real possibility, all these things are the Miami Dolphins reality today - the first day of December. Unbelievable. The team's motto for the season was "Believe in the Code". Well If I hadn't seen this with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it.